January 27, 2015
I swear. Social Media, of which I am a big fan and an employee of, has made us all narcissists. Come on, admit it. You log on every day to see how many likes that picture of your kids got. Or how many comments your witty post got. Or how many shares that hysterical meme got! Or how much love your pathetic, victimizing cry for attention received? This is your moment in the spotlight! Your moment to shine!
Who likes me?! How many friends do I have? Am I loved? Am I special? Am I everything I wanted to be and more?? Am I famous?!?!?!?! Finally??!?!!!
I get it. People need attention. Some more than others but everyone, in general, needs attention.
Then you have the selfies. Ugh. I'm guilty of an occasional selfie. Whether it's something that is making me laugh, I'm making fun of, is just so bizarre or I just have no other choice. I'm ok with those, it's me, I'm hysterical AND I'm famous...albeit in my own mind.
I am not ok with the following........DAILY:
The same pose/same facial expression. **Come the eff on. It's like a bad deja vu. Get some creativity and stop making me want to gouge my eyes out with a stick.
Every damn day and sometimes more than once. **We all know what you, your duck face, your tits, your ass, your eyes, your outfit, looks like. We got it. Freakshow. You bore me.
What you're eating. **See below
You working out. **Literally, unless you gagged on something you were shoving into your pie hole and snapped a photo of your choking face OR you slipped off the treadmill and cracked your silly little head...I'm just not interested. Sorry..not sorry.
And...if I ever am out in public and see someone using a 'Selfie Stick', I'm walking over and punching them in the twat. Yep. That will happen. Or...maybe I'll take a selfie of me and the asshat using a Selfie Stick.
I am so BORED with logging onto Instagram or checking out Facebook to see what the world is doing and seeing the above bullshit. You're boring! You bore me. You lose the 2.5 second attention span I had reserved for you. Please, I beg of you, put the camera away, for feck sake and go live. Really live. No one cares what you look like except the person your sleeping with and I feel sorry for them.
Speaking of working out...everyone knows my feelings about it and if you don't, I hate it. I think it sucks. I can think of a million and a half other things I'd rather be doing than hanging out in some dank, enclosed, stinky, cement cave with brainless steroid induced muscle heads and sweaty whores with makeup on for hours every day. Yea..SO not my thing. I'd rather be outside doing something amazingly worth my time, effort and sweat.
But, I was thinking there are many things I do that do qualify as exercise in my book. Let's see.....
Opening hard to open jars. Ugh. Right? I know you feel me here.
Preventing Jack from running outside whenever I open the door or actually taking him out to pee and him dragging me halfway down the lawn.
Shaving my legs without falling over. (And other places.)
Straightening my hair. Whatta nightmare.
Grocery shopping. Whether it's the wonky cart, the walking around aimlessly trying to find shit or trying to carry all the bags in at once.
Pumping gas. Hey..someone has to open and close the gas cap.
Coloring. My hands...they hurt me...but damn it! I'm finishing that picture!!
Standing in line. I move way more than necessary.
Sex. Hey.....it counts...even if I just lay there. haha
So, I think I'm good in the exercise category. At least until Spring comes and I can go back outside like a normal person.
By the way, have I told you how awesome I am?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
I'm cranky in the winter, ey? See? I need the beach.....sun......warmth and a cocktail.....so I can take an interesting selfie. Pashaw.
December 26, 2014
1. Write and publish a book...or two.
2. Eat crepes in Paris.
3. Zip line thru a rain forest canopy in South America.
4. Go on an African safari and see the Big 5.
5. Spend a night with the Maasai.
6. Zorb in New Zealand.
7. White water raft down the Colorado.
8. Drink beer at Oktoberfest.
9. Explore Machu Picchu.
10. Eat sushi in Tokyo.
✓ 11. Move to Washington State.
12. Buy a kayak.
13. Take an impromptu drive up PCH.
14. Visit Monet’s garden in Normandy, France.
✓15. Fall madly in love.
16. Get married.
17. Get a degree in Journalism.
18. Own my own book store.
✓ 19. Meander through Central Park without hurry.
20. Ride a camel to the pyramids of Giza.
21. Hang out with the animals on Galapagos Island.
22. Trek through the Amazon rainforest.
23. Swim in Jellyfish Lake
24. Have a job because of love not because of money.
25. Ride the Napa Valley Wine Train with friends
26. Ride a cable car in San Fran & hang off the side.
✓ 27. Learn not to say yes when I really want to say no.
✓ 28. Learn to let go.
29. Find my passion.
✓ 30. Spend an entire day reading, nothing else.
31. Spend Christmas in Australia.
32. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.
33. Grow a magnificent garden.
34. Participate in a house exchange with someone from Europe.
35. Go to Holland and pick tulips.
36. Ride a horse on the beach.
37. Learn to play my didgeridoo.
38. Throw a boomerang.
39. Do a Roar & Snore at the San Diego Zoo.
40. Ride a gondola in Venice..before it sinks. The city..not the gondola.
42. Swim at a Hawaiian waterfall.
43. Get acupuncture.
44. Take a cooking class.
45. Go on a honeymoon.
46. Go to Fiji & drink kava with the Maori.
47. Go sailing.
48. Meet Steven Tyler & Johnny Depp. Separately.
49. Learn to play a musical instrument.
50. Remember the important things in life.
Yes, I aim big and think large. But, like my good old friend, Dr. Suess, said:
“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”
Updated - December 6, 2014: Wow. Time to update this again. I haven't accomplished much in the past few years but I have learned to let go. I am determined to accomplish more than one of these in 2015.
Updated - June 5, 2010: Getting laid off allowed me to accomplish 2 things on my Bucket List. I spent an entire day reading and it was wonderful. I am on my way to live in Washington State. 2 down! 48 to go!
Updated - April 6, 2010: 2 more down! 46 to go! I plan on checking off at least 4 more before this year is out. I'm moving right along. :)
December 22, 2014
You're welcome. Feliz Navidad.
This has been a fun, crazy and busy year for us here in the Craig/Sahler/Wright household!
First thing is I'm in the process of changing my last name! haha! Still. I'm procrastinating but I'm also getting older and lazier. It will happen, though. Be patient. There is no way in HELL I'm dying with the ex's last name.
We have finally moved into our house and have no immediate plans to move again. At least....not yet...I mean, this will be the 3rd or is it 4th move this year! I always knew I had gypsy in my blood. Thankfully, Amanda and Abe seem to have it, too. At least, I think they do. If they don't, no matter. I'll just keep throwing their shit in boxes and loading it up my car for them. BUT, this is where we shall remain for a while. At least for another year or so, before we pick up and jet off to Murrell's Inlet or Surfside Beach. (wishes wishes beach house wishes)
Amanda was chosen to play 'Janet' in her Theater Club's 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' performance. She did her mother proud! Except for the sex scenes...I had to close my eyes for that. She is also working at Moroney's Harley-Davidson and doing wonderful. She has a great work ethic. This makes me proud because most kids her age don't. She also has a cute boyf named Dominic. He's very sweet to her, comes from an awesome family and treats her like a lady. He better because Abe and I both have guns. Oh, I almost forgot, she bought a Harley. I don't know if I was mad at her, Abe or work for that purchase. But, she bought all the gear and looks like a real biker. She just needs to practice a little more before she sets out on the road. She's totally cute, though, and now her sweetness has a bit of 'Kelly' edge to it. (another proud moment)
Abe's been working around our new house, playing hisband, exploring the woods and always looking for something to do. For example, he built a garden frog with random car parts and bits that he found. He's fun like that! My dad wants him to do side work with him and custom build bikes, or something like that, together. They both probably just want to be on Velocity and be famous doing what they love.
I am working at Mohonk AND Moroney's but basically just waiting to hit Lotto. I'm tired of working and would rather write, hike, photograph and create things. You know...do what I want! This shouldn't shock anyone. ;) I'm still in love with Jack and am getting fat right along with him. We are both bubba's! He was homeless and starving, though, so it's ok. I was just homeless so I don't have an excuse.
Other than that, I'm just waiting for 2015 to be a better year and for spring to come! I hope all of you have had a wonderful year full of love, laughter and chocolate. I wish you double of all of that in 2015. After all, I don't want to be the only one left with thunder thighs and a big ass. Ha.
December 18, 2014
Looking at my past few years, I must say, my life has reached the bottom of the rollercoaster in many ways. It's probably a good time to make some positive changes and reach the top of the coaster again. After all, that's where the good view is.
For 2015, I will promise myself to...
...control my reactions. I'm a reactor. Whether it's excitement, happiness, sadness, anger, I burst, explode, like a volcano. It's unexpected, loud and there isn't much thought behind it. The excitement and happiness emotions, let those rip. The reactions I want to control are the anger and sadness. These are the emotions I'd like to regard before I let them out and, with the help of my happy pills, I'm already on my way.
...exercise more. I'm also on my way to this by doing yoga at Mohonk. I even have my own mat and plan on buying some blocks, too. Those suckers make your back feel ah...may....zing. I haven't been doing yoga as much as I'd like but I want to be more involved in this new year.
...be grateful. It's easy to forget all the wonderful things in life because you become so focused on the crap things. We all do it. It's easy and pretty much habitual. Why is that, I wonder, because that just sucks. Yes, I have a $400 electric bill...but...I have a job, I am warm, I am loved, I am not hungry and I have a well lit home with great cable and internet access! Wooo!
That's it. I'm only going to do 3 resolutions because I don't need any additional stress in my life. I guess I'm kind of a cheater because I've already started working on these but who cares. I don't like to fail.
2014 has been quite the interesting year for me. Abe and I worked things out and he moved back to NY to be with me. He chose me, again, so I guess it's true love. haha! I've had several jobs, been unemployed for several months and still do not know what I want to do with my life or where I am headed. It's always a big surprise. I've moved 2 more times and KNOW that I don't want to move again any time soon. My gypsy soul needs a rest. I have an empty nest...for the most part. Amanda is off dorming at college so that's been odd. I miss her. My diabetes is OK but my immune system is hell bent on killing me. My mom got breast cancer and, just like Diabetes, it doesn't run in our family.
See what I did? I just hopped on that complaining/negative band wagon...so here. Let me get that resolution train rolling. Abe & I worked things out and yay! I work at Mohonk and Moroney's. Both cool places. I moved into an adorable house that I love it. Amanda is doing excellent at college. 3.85 GPA!! My Diabetes is doing awesome. My mom is a breast cancer survivor!
Yea...that was much better, right? I'm gonna rock the crap out of 2015! haha!
Just wait and see....
November 18, 2014
I just wrote an article on being thankful so I thought, let’s make this personal and more ‘Kelly’ like. I can’t be ‘Kelly’ like in my articles. Sad but true. But I CAN be 'Kelly' like here! Yay!
Obviously, I am thankful for all the traditional things everyone is thankful for; family, friends, health, home, a JOB! Of course I’m thankful for all of those things! What kind of mad woman do you think I am? But, you know me, I like to go outside the box. So, come with me for a second while I climb out of the normal and jump into my crazy ass box to talk turkey. See what I did there? Talk turkey? Haha! Turkeys, of course, are not thankful that this time of year is here but we are because we’re a bunch of fatties.
You know what I love? Toilet seat covers. I could go into any public restroom in Vegas and there would be toilet seat covers. Without fail. Because sometimes you don’t want to hover. Because sometimes your legs hurt. Because sometimes you don’t want to pee on the seat. Or yourself. Or your clothes. Because sometimes you’re just too lazy to squat. Because sometimes you just don’t give a shit and you sit. We all do all of the above. Yep. Public restroom toilet seat anxiety. It’s a thing. That’s why I am a big fan of toilet seat covers. Believe it or not, Vegas readers, they are not as commonplace as one would imagine. But, they do have them at Mohonk and for that I am thankful.
I am thankful that my family doesn’t mind that sometimes I use their toothbrush. Hey. I forget what color mine is, or I’m half asleep or I’m just not paying attention. Sometimes I will start the process, wet the brush and then realize it’s not mine. Sometimes I go all the way. I’ll get that random text from Amanda telling me I’m nasty and used her toothbrush but then she laughs. So, I know it’s ok. Please. Abe has been in my mouth and Amanda has been in my body so really. Wait…that sounded beyond pervy. Sigh. But, seriously, there is nothing they are going to catch that they don’t already have! I get that it’s gross but sometimes mishaps happen.
Netflix. Really that’s all I should have to say but Yes!! I am thankful for Netflix! I can watch what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, as many times as I want. I like doing what I want. So, thank you, Netflix. I wish more things were like you. You’ve given me seasons of ‘Breaking Bad’, which I’m almost through but on tap is ‘Orange is the New Black’ and ‘Game of Thrones’. All I need is Netflix, snacks and this lamp.
I own 'The Jerk' so I don't have to Netflix it. I'm thankful I own 'The Jerk'.
The sound of my cat purring. It makes me feel heroic and like I have created this happiness that is so overwhelming it cannot be contained. It HAS to be heard. I am thankful for that. Timmy is a lovebug so he purrs, rubs, rolls over and just really lets you know he’s in heaven and it’s all because of you. Pure kitty meow love. But, Timmy is free with his purrs. He gives them regularly. Fred is tight with his. If Fred purrs, you know you really accomplished something magical and spectacular.
I’m thankful for big scarves. Not only do they look fashionable, but they keep my neck warm, the old lady gobble gobbler hidden and cover my tattoo. Something I cannot show at work…..how weird is that? That I am a middle aged woman who has to hide her tattoos? Anyway. That’s a whole different subject. BUT…a scarf is wonderful and they make me very happy. In fact, that’s one of the reasons I like a chill in the air. Maybe I only have one but it’s a good one I’m thankful for.
Does anyone I know mix together Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter and Syrup? I do and I’m so damn thankful for this, you cannot imagine. It’s my special treat before bed when my sugar feels low. Even Jack is thankful for this mixture of heavenly delight. It’s cheap, it doesn’t take much effort, it’s got protein, it’s fun to eat! YUM! I’m all about the peanut butter spoon lollipop but even more so about the addition of syrup. Any kind of syrup. Doesn’t matter if Aunt Jemima comes to town or Mrs. Butterworth…either one of those old ladies are welcome. Go ahead…try it tonight….you know you want to. Then be thankful to me for turning you into a lover of this liquid gold creation.
I’m thankful for the internet. I am 1000 times more clever, smart, creative and entertaining. I am also 1000 times more lazy, unproductive, fat and unread. But, hey, this is about being thankful.
I am thankful for aspirin. My boyf takes one a day to help prevent blood clots and thank goodness for that. It also relieves my aches and pains…from my damn teeth to my damn head to my damn body. Aspirin is a life saver.
I am thankful for automatic car starters and seat warmers. I have neither but I'm thankful for them. Someday I hope to have a car that has them so I don't have to freeze my ass off all winter long.
Honestly, there are a million and a half things that I am thankful for. From the fact that my dog eventually comes back after he takes off like a bat out of hell through the woods, to the fact that I only have to pay for fuel oil during the winter, right down to the fact that . The list is long and slightly warped but always worth gratitude.
November 7, 2014
Today at work a girl puked, it hailed and I forgot my lunch. If that’s not a sign that the world is ending, I don’t know what is.
Although I haven’t blogged in a while, it doesn’t mean that my life has become any less crazy, chaotic and full of madness because it hasn’t. My life is still crazy. The only difference is….I’m too poor to spoil myself so I don’t go crazy because my life is crazy.
I miss my Vegas way of life. Not Vegas, just the way I lived my life. Yearly travel, quarterly Disney, monthly massages, bi-weekly pedi’s, weekly sushi and movies, daily Starbuck’s. It sucks. Yea, I was spoiled but I spoiled myself and I deserved it. So there. Suck it. But, for the love of Zeus, this being poor shit sucks. Sucks big, fat, cellulitey, ass. Mine, in particular, because I’m definitely becoming a fatty. How is it that I put on winter weight in the summer? Stupid thyroid. That’s the only thing I can blame it on because I refuse to blame it on Double Stuff Oreos and Boston Crème donuts.
Ask me if I care though? My answer is a 98% no. There is that 2% moment when I have to suck it in to zip my pants but the rest of the times, there’s leggings. I wouldn’t say I’m fat either. Not really. I’m curvy now. I should appreciate these curves because I sure the hell didn’t have them when I was younger. The fact that I look like a retro pin up girl should be used to my advantage!! But, I’m too lazy…and…like I said…I don’t care.
I wonder if that comes with age or if I’ve never truly cared. Probably a bit of both. I received a couple of compliments this weekend which I need to share because they really made me feel good. The first was when I was told that a woman in her 40’s is the most beautiful. That’s when the beauty really shines through and is real. I imagined myself bursting with holes and beams of light shining out all over the universe spreading smiles. The other one was that she really liked me and admired how whatever comes out of my mouth is truth and not some bullshit.
Yes. I unapologetically speak my truthful, realistic, honest mind. Some people would say that is mean and hurtful. They could be right if my intent were to be mean and hurtful. I speak truths because I’m not here to sugarcoat shit for anyone. If you’re acting like an asshole, I’ll be the one who tells you. If what you are doing is wrong, again, I’m going to say it. It’s almost like voicing my opinion. While my opinion is always what I speak, the truth, the reality, the way it is joins along. Some people don’t like that and I, quite honestly, don’t care.
Again, I’m not a mean spirited person but if you do not want a candid conversation about whatever, then I am probably not the person to be around or speak to. In fact, I think more people should be like me. I want to hear the real, honest you. Not some fortified, sprinkled, fake portrayal of who you think I want you to be. I want you to be you. Good, bad, indifferent. I truly believe there is beauty in everyone. Believe that of yourself and be you. Of course there will be those assholes that don’t like you…but there will be those assholes that do! Haha! And those are the assholes everyone should want to decorate their lives with. Cheers to assholes!
I have too many pets. I never thought there would come a day that I’d say that but there you have it. Maybe it’s because my pets are crazy. We all know I hate Sunny. Jack is a lunatic. He is just a bushel of crazy, put his ass on you, fun. He’s fun. That’s his description. Fred is an asshole. Fred is a HUGE cat. Probably a little Maine Coon. He’s ginormous but barely meows. When he does meow, it sounds like a pathetic little old man. It’s ridiculous and totally doesn’t match. His thing is to scratch the walls and doors when he wants something. Douchebag always wants something at 1am. Timmy is so stinking cute but I swear he’s from another planet. He’s learning all of our ways and taking them back to the Mother Ship. I think he’s going to kidnap me and make me the Mother of the Mother Ship. He’s the coolest cat ever, though.
Why did I go on a pet rampage? Probably because I just picked cat hair off of my scarf. There is no other reason. Ahem.
Or maybe I wanted to share that I’m trying to lure all the neighborhood bears into my lawn to eat Sunny. I’m to the point of secretly rubbing suet on her collar and making her a delectable wiener treat for them. Oh…damn…guess it’s not so secret anymore. Ooops.
Here’s something I’ve been wondering …if my pancreas is dead, hence the Diabetes, and my thyroid is mostly dead, hence the Diabetes…does that mean I’m part zombie? I have dead organs! So, I’m pretty safe if there’s a zombie apocalypse. Right?
I've got a confession. I'm having McDonalds for dinner. I hate fast food. I do. I rarely eat it and when I do, I feel bad. Bad because it is bad for you. Bad because it makes my innards feel gross. Bad because it doesn't taste as good as it did in the 80's. It doesn't. McRib rocked in the 80's. That shit was worthy waiting for. The fries...amazing. Ok..the fries are still pretty amazing. That hasn't changed. But, the McDonalds apple pie. That is he most disappointing Wth did they do? Why did they choose to eff up a great thing!! That crust?! Oh. My. Gawd. In the 80's it was the shit. Now...it's pure shit. Come on, McDonalds. Get it together. On another note, did you know that McDonalds Managers make a ton of money? Ugh
Ok. I'm out. I have a chicken sandwich to choke down.
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July 25, 2014
Anyway, moving on. Sayonara, suckas!
I've worked my entire summer away. I know it's only July, but it's JULY!! I haven't done anything! No beach! No tan! Just work, work, work. I don't even have a lot of money to show for it either, damn it. I do have a new Harley, though, so there's that. AND I am going camping this weekend. What started out as a family trip; Amanda, her boyf, my dad, my sister, Abe & I, has now dwindled down to just Abe & I. This is strange because Abe & I have never been on vacay or a trip alone. We do things alone but never take trips alone. We always have the girls or someone with us. Now...we might actually be able to have sex and not be in our home!! What?! There was no sex in Vegas, no sex in Myrtle Beach, no sex camping. Blasphemy!
I'm actually looking forward to kayaking around this lake we are camping near. Should be fun. No wifi, no people, just relaxation. However, if I go missing....someone call 911. If he goes missing, I was with you. haha! Oh...I should be careful...some people might think I was serious. It's called a sense of humor, people! Get one.
I was chatting with my friend, Randi, about the weird idiosyncrasies we both have. We think we are twins because we do a lot of the same crazy shit. For example, when shopping in a grocery store, we don't choose the first item on the shelf. We grab from behind because other people have probably touched the first one. I also have a particular way of placing my items on the conveyor belt. Abe & Amanda laugh at me, but I like it to be easy when I'm putting groceries away. All the cold refrig things are in one bag so I don't have to hunt through 20 other bags before I find the butter.
Also, when Randi & I are using public restrooms, we tear off the first section of toilet paper before grabbing our piece because someone may have touched it. Ew. I can't even imagine what lives on that dangling piece of tp or who the last troll..ahem...or train wreck..was that touched it. I certainly don't want any of that touching my cave of wonders. haha!
Ok. I'm finished laughing about the crotch reference, now I'm going to hyper focus on other weird stuff. Like, I need two towels when I shower. One for my hair and one for my body. I look at Amanda, who only uses one for her body, and shudder. How can she stand the water dripping from her hair?
I eat the chocolate off a 3 Musekteers bar and then I'll eat the whipped stuff. Sometimes I'll smush the whipped stuff in my fingers before eating it, too. The same goes for a Twix. I eat the caramel off first and then the cookie. Mmmmm....yum....candy.
I rearrange things on the table at a restaurant. I fix the salt, pepper, sugar, jelly, menus, silverware, whatever. I put it the way it should be. Then I can relax and enjoy my dinner. haha
I also touch everything in a store. I think because, when I was little, my parents wouldn't let me touch ANYTHING! Now....after all of those years of denial...I touch it all! Plus, I also have this weird thing about touch. I love the sense of touch but because of testing my blood sugar so much, the tips of my fingers have lost a lot of their feeling. This makes me REALLY touch, or pet, if you will, so watch out.
Alright, well I'm off for my weekend in nature with my life packed in the car. I probably don't need that much to camp with but I'm an overachiever. Besides, who says we won't need funky colored flames emitting from the campfire. Psh. Not me.