The Lying, The Bitch & The Wardrobe

Tuesday in my Brain.

2012-01-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that getting to work on time simply makes the day longer. And to think, all these years I’ve been a stickler for being on time. I can’t stand it when people are late. It's so roo, and, when I’m late, it totally stresses me out. But…maybe I am missing out on the whole ‘fashionably late’ thing. Maybe I will give it a shot. I am totally fashionable and I could totally be late.

Hmmm.

Hey, did you know that over 19 million people, worldwide, share the same birthday as you? Doesn’t make you feel special at all, does it? So, answer me this….if 19 million people are born on the same day….how can horoscopes be remotely correct? Is the same damn thing happening to 19 million people on the same damn day? That’s absurd. But, if it is true then how can horoscopes be accurate? I also wonder if fortune tellers and palm readers are accurate. They all pretty much say the same basic bullshit that could generally apply to anyone. It’s still kind of fun, though. Right?

I wish it was my birthday. I want a present.

You know what bugs me? When people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m texting and walking. Psh. What?! They can’t see what I’m doing and get the hell out of my way? Seriously. If I see someone texting and walking, I move out of their way!

Roo.

I also don’t like it when I disappear in crowds and people run right into me. I always look at Amanda and say ‘Did I phase out again?’ I can’t believe I’m that unnoticeable. I’d rather believe that people are just roo. I wish I had to ability to disappear on my terms. It’d be awesome to listen to conversations that I’m not invited to or avoid people I don’t want to see. I wish I could text and walk and disappear whenever I wanted to. That’d be sweet.

I also wish I’d hit lotto. Soon. Cause I’m tired of working and being poor.

Let’s talk about SOPA/PIPA for a second. I think the Government trying to control the internet is SOPAthetic. I didn’t realize we lived in China. Our country is turning into an effing George Orwell novel. Does anyone notice that? I wonder what our country will be like for my daughter. Perhaps she has the right idea about moving to Europe. Maybe my gypsy self would do well in another country.

Hmmm…again.

In other news, I wish I had a friend with benefits. By benefits, I mean a friend who owns a coffee shop. A friend that lets me have an unlimited supply of free coffee and donuts every day.

I want chocolate and I’m a caffeine addict.

*Peace.

Really Reality?

2012-01-18T11:09:00.001-08:00

You know what I can't stand? Well....you know one of the things I can't stand? Replacements.

Not these guys.

For example....tonight is the premiere of American Idol. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I love Steven Tyler. I loved him when he was young. I love him now that he's old. I will love him always. Period. The End. If given the chance to eff his brains out, I would. Without hesitation or reservation. Which is why he is at the top of my 'Men I'd Love To Pork' list. Mmmhhhmmmm. True story.

Anyway. As much as I love Steven Tyler, American Idol isn't him. It isn't J-Blo either. It's sassy Simon and drunken mess Paula. It just is. Same thing with Project Runway Allstars. Who the hell are these people? I love Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. That's Project Runway. Michael Kors. Nina Garcia. They are the glue of the show. These other people, who I don't even care to know their names, are not. I'm not into the Allstars show because the people are different.

These guys.

It's like the Vacation movies. Every movie had different people playing the kids! If you're gonna do a sequel, you MUST have the same actors playing the roles. Clarice is Jodi Foster not Julianne Moore. And seriously...how many Bonds or Batmans are there?

Rawr.

While I'm on the AI rampage, let's talk about another thing I can't stand. I can't stand Jennifer Hudson. I used to like her when she was a fatty. Now her and her Weight Watchers commercial make me want to slap the Weight Watchers calorie counter out of her hand. I'll admit that being a fatty is unhealthy and the #1 way to become a Type 2 Diabetic but seriously, congrats. No, really. Congrats. You look amazing. Now get the hell off of my TV every 5 minutes with your damn song.

Rawr.

Again.

Oh, and speaking of reality shows, how out of line has reality tv gotten? I mean, I love reality shows. Obvs Project Runway, I love Survivor, Amazing Race, Big Brother, Hells Kitchen. I can even watch Top Chef and Fear Factor. But....Pitbulls and Parolees? Really? The Bad Girls Club? Are you kidding me? Lizard Lick Towing? Enough already. Jaysus Cripes. TV has given reality a bad name. *teehee*

Let's see.....what else....what else.....

Oh! I had a really crazy dream last night. I have had a Dream Dictionary for years but always forget to write in it. I'll use this post for now. Weirdest. Dream. Ever. I'm a vivid dreamer. I dream almost every night and they are fantastical journeys that my mind takes while I'm REM. In fact, it's one of my favorite things about me. My dreams.

I dream when I'm happy. I figured this out when I was unhappy and never dreamt. It scared me and I knew something wasn't quite right. Thankfully, things have been right for a year and I'm dreaming away.

Oh! So, last night. SO WEIRD. I was in a hotel with a guy and a girl. I have no idea who these people are in real life but I knew them in my dream. Anyway, we start running up the stair case and run into this room. Another guy was following us and we didn't like him. So, he finds us, comes in the room, lays on the couch, and starts doing the blah de blah. Now the hotel room looks like an apartment. The guy friend and I are in the kitchen which overlooks the living room. The girl is on the balcony. The guy starts telling me that he is going to set couch layer on fire. I'm all like 'Ok, cool.' He walk out onto the balcony with a magnifying glass and starts lighting the couch guy on fire! I'm still in the kitchen watching couch guy burst into flames and it didn't really bother me. Those two are on the balcony giggling and saying 'See? I told you it would work!'

Then I woke up.

What.

The.

Hell.

Kell.

????

I think the thing that disturbs me most about this dream is that I was in the kitchen and didn't get anything to eat or drink. Really now.

No. Just kidding. Who were these freaking people? And does a magnifying glass & sun really catch things on fire?!?!?

One last thing that actually made me giggle last night. Don't be a perv. After my jaw dropped...I giggled. I told A that I wanted to get a part time job. Just for extra money so I could buy shoes or we could go on vacay. He said...and I quote...'You're too frail. It's my job to take care of you.' Frail?? Bahahaha! ME? Bahahahaha! Is he joking? Has he met me? These are the things I asked and he said 'You know what I mean.' Aww. Poor man. He has NO idea how opposite of frail I am.

Ok. I have to go back to work. Thanks, Blogger, for letting me expunge my brain.

*Peace.

Thursday Thoughts.

2012-01-12T11:20:00.001-08:00

Why does the conditioner run out before the shampoo? Huh? Ladies? Why? Drives me up the wall. If I were the maker of shampoos and conditioners, I would do the following:

Make the conditioner bottle larger than the shampoo bottle!!!
Make them pretty colors.
Make them smell amazing.
Make them actually work and do the things they say they will do. You want bouncy hair? That shit will bounce out of the shower. You want straight & silky hair. BOOM! Straight as a board and silky soft!

Stupid Herbal Essence. Or Garnier. Or whomever!! I can't count the number of half used shampoo bottles hanging about in my bathroom. It's impossible for an anal retentive Virgo like myself to use a different conditioner. They are supposed to match AND they are supposed to disappear at the same rate. *sigh* RAWR!

I went to the Dr. yesterday. I have a really bad cold and needed some antibiotics. My pharmacy is right next to Dunkin' Donuts. Oh, thank heaven! (Forget you 7-11!) While I was waiting for my script, I popped into DD to get my signature Blueberry Cawfee and a Boston Creme. Which!!!! by the way, I need to write Dunkin' Donuts a strongly worded email! The old DD lady gave me BAVARIAN creme instead of BOSTON! No bueno! They better give me some coupons. Anyway. One of the young girls behind the counter smiled at me and said 'HI! I haven't seen you in so long! You used to come in every morning. Where've you been?' I didn't know if this was cool....or just really sad. DD is like my Cheers....and I'm Norm. *sigh*

I have decided that I am a 16 year old in a 43 year old body. I am. I won't lie. I love being online. I love Facebook. I love Blogger. I love Tumblr. Tumblr is the oddest because all it is is posting pictures of cool stuff. Lame but I do it. Is it because I truly am 16 or is it because I'm bored out of my freaking MIND! Like bat shit crazy!! Plus, I'm a stalker. Online. Only. I don't have the time or gas money to stalk in real life. So, I do it online. Yep yep. I probably need a grown up hobby. Like knitting. Or join a red hat club. Or...collect stamps.

Ok. Am I the only jackass that tries to carry 20 plastic grocery bags in at one time instead of making 2 trips to the car?

And here's another question. What does the PU stand for in 'PU. That stinks.'?

I need a nap. Damn me for all the naps I hated or fought against when I was little. I would love to get those times back right now. *yawn*

*Peace.

My Sky is Freaking Awesome.

2012-01-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

'You're the loves of her life. And a guy's just lucky to come in fourth.' ~Mr. Big

Probably one of the most profound...and most accurate...lines Mr. Big has ever uttered on 'Sex and the City'.

My friends are the loves of my life. The only difference between Carrie & I is that I have Amanda. Amanda is THE love of my life. It's true. She is. I mean...why wouldn't she be? Have you met her? ;) My step-mother says that children choose their parents. Amanda was spot on when she chose me. Not only because I am fabulous but, also because I don't know that anyone could have been more suited to me than her. So, well done, Amanda!

Now, on to my friends. I know I have said this before but it's worthy of being said again. I have some kick ass friends. Everyone knows that friendships change throughout one's life. As you evolve and change, so do your close relationships. People come, people go, connections fade, connections grow...I'm a poet, apparently. Anyway, I grew up having one major best friend and a collection of fabulous clsoe friends. Many of us are still BFFE's. Some of us are closer than others, but we certainly all kept to the FE part.

In Vegas, I have a superior collection of friends I call my Sin City Core. These women are my soulmates. Soulmates I was fortunate enough to find in a vast empty desert. Some mates I have lost, some mates I have gained, but all of them I have loved deeply. It took a long time to find these magnificent humans and I refuse to let them go. No matter what the distance between us is...and the way I move around, this is a good thing!

Back in NY, I have....again...lost a few and gained a few. A few wonderful friends who continue to amaze me daily with their loving hearts and sincere friendship. New Yorkers are tough and they love just as tough. So, knowing that these wonderful humans, my Apple Core, love me is mindblowing and humbling. I refuse to let them go, too. Oh, and they also have a surprising knack of showing up just when I need them most. ;)

While I have been lucky in friends and unlucky in love my entire life, I can finally say now I am lucky in both. Abe is my very best friend and the love of my life. Who knew?! I wish I would have known back in 1988. I would have stayed with him instead of leaving him for another colossal waste of time and life. Oh, how both of our lives would have been different. But, I wasn't ready for him then. I am now. Abe doesn't come in 4th, like Big thinks he does. No, no. Abe is tied with Amanda and my friends. He's part of the whole. He's everything I need and want in my life. Right along side all of these other glorious stars in my sky.

Sheesh.

My sky is a freaking awesome masterpiece!!

I don't know what I did to deserve these people in my life but it must have been stunningly wonderful! Lucky me! I wonder what the heck they did to deserve me! Oy! Probably something naughty because I'm nothing but trouble. haha! BUT, I'm a loyal, honest, loving, will do anything for her core, kind of trouble.

So, cheers to friendships!! And to the loves of your life. *clink*

*Peace.

Deep Thoughts

2012-01-04T16:41:00.001-08:00

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw this quote the other day and it made me smile...then frown. I hate when that shit happens. Ya know that feeling? When something so wonderful has the ability to make you so sad.

I want to gain but never lose. That's selfish, I know, but I hate to hurt. I'm sure everyone hates to hurt and yet, we all do. We all are sensitive to some extent. We all have feelings that get hurt by the slightest slip. We all question, doubt, fear, hate. We are all afraid, on some level, of being hurt. And, oddly enough, there isn't one person who hasn't been hurt. So...we know what it is. We know what it does. We know what it destroys. We know what it creates. Why is it so hard for us to just feel it and carry on? Why do we fear it so?

Anyway.

I pride myself in being this amazingly strong human being....with a huge heart...and the ability to love fully, completely, loyally and forever. It's like I am this warrior on the outside. Yet, I'm this scared, little girl on the inside. I'm a freaking enigma! No wonder I sometimes feel like I'm insane! haha

Whenever I become really close to someone and a bond is formed, whether it's friendship or otherwise, I always describe myself as a hard candy with a soft, gooey inside. Lame but true. I hope I'm chocolate...with really good caramel.

Another thought is why...we always focus on the loss and not the gain? I have lost so much in the past 1.5 years but what I have gained is overwhelmingly more significant than the loss. Yet...I always come back to the loss. I, more often than not, focus on the hurt. The wrong. The negative. Why is that? I'm more than certain I'm not the only one who does this insane crap. We breed on negativity. It surrounds the human race like a black cloud. You hear more people complain than spread goodness.

I just Googled the opposite of complain. That's really sad. I probably need counseling after that realization. Ugh.

haha!

But, you know it's true. More people bitch and moan about life than praise and cheer about it. So, what if....what if...everyone chose to praise and cheer. It's a new year. New beginnings. New hopes. New dreams. New everything. I won't say try for the entire year because that would just cause you to stress and bitch and moan, so let's simply start with a day. Once you've accomplished that, let's move it up to a week, then a month and then let's just keep going.

If you feel moody, choose happiness. If you feel like complaining, don't. If you feel nasty and hurt, have a piece of hard chocolate with really good caramel in the middle.

Let's all try and resolute to focus on the gain.

Whaddaya say?

I am...and I will.

I've lost a damn lot. But I have gained SO much more that is SO much more wonderful.

2012 is gonna be amazing.

*Peace.

WTH is He?

2012-01-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

I think the word 'boyfriend' is lame.

I do. I think it's a good word to use when you are young..but if you are past 30....he's no longer a boy. If you are dating....he's no longer a friend. I mean..he's more than a friend. Yea?

I also think it's lame because I have enough boy friends. In fact, I probably have more boy friends than I do girl friends. So there. I also have enough man friends...so I'm good there, too.

So, what term is appropriate?

I want more than a boy friend. I want more than a man friend. I want more.

All the seemingly appropriate terms are used for gay relationships.

Domestic partner.
Life partner.
Lover.

I don't like Significant Other. SO......blah and lame in itself.

I don't like Partner. That sounds like we are going into business together.

I don't like Lover. That suggests sex only...and while sometimes that is the case...haha...it's not always.

He's not my fiance. Though he likes to say he is by calling my daughter his 'step daughter', my father his 'father in law' and me is 'fiance'. Though he's talked about it, a lot, and asked permission from my mother & daughter....it's not true.

He's not my fiance.

He's not my husband.

He's not my room mate.

He's not my fuck buddy.

SO.

What the hell is he?

Just Abe.

I guess.

*Peace.

2011 Bullshit

2011-12-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my year end blog. Be prepared for the same things I give you every year...honesty, heart, reality and humor. Some things never change regardless of the year.

I have to say, 2011 was the best of times...and it was the worst of times.

In no particular order, here are just a few 2011 highlights.

Moved.
Hurricane Irene.
A friendship ended.
New friendships evolved & grew.
Moved again.
Harassed for no particular reason.
Love walked in.
Love moved in.
New job.
Old job.
Mom visited.
2 pregnancy's.
2 engagements.
Depression.
Support.
Sin City Core in NYC.
Garlic Festival.
Pickle Festival.
Rosendale Street Festival.
Sunday Funday.
Bowling.
2 plays.
Driving lessons.
Birth control.
25 year high school reunion.
Black squirrels, black bears, black mink.
October snow.
A new family.
An old family.
A closer family.
Soulmates reunited.
Life of a teenager...all drama included.
Weight loss.
Diabetes improvement.
Kidney improvement.
Pancreas still broken.
Eyes starting to break.
Lots of laughter.
Lots of love.
Lots of life.

I'm sure there are more but I can barely remember yesterday, let alone the past year.

2011 was definitely an improvement over the past 2 years. The love of my life walked back through my door and I gladly let him in. I am extraordinarily happy and more in love than I ever thought possible. This man has loved me for an eternity and has given up his life for me. I am so humbled and awed by his love that it takes my breath away. If nothing else happened to me this year or if nothing else ever happened to me in any other year, I would be ok. Just as long as this man was by my side.

I dwell in the possibility of 2012.

I reject all negativity for this upcoming year. I reject all adversity. I reject all pessimism.

2012 ....I'm ready to be marveled.

*Peace.

PS - Oh, shit...wait....isn't the world supposed to end in 2012? It better damn well marvel me! haha

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things.

2011-12-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 years since I've blogged about my favorite things. As 2011 is coming to an end, I think it's time to share the loves of this year. I have already told you that Amanda is my favorite thing ever and that hasn't changed. Amanda is still at the top of my all time fav's list...as she should be.

Here are the latest additions to my favorite things.

1. Abe. My boyf has been the most favorite thing this year. Not only did we reconnect our friendship, we reconnected our love for one another. This man is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my soulmate, my supporter, my protector, my source of happiness, my reason to smile, my strength, my weakness. This man is my everything. Never have I loved someone so deeply, so passionately, so intently or so completely. I would do anything for this man and he would do anything for me. Therefore, Abe is my fav....and I'm keeping him every year.

2. Clear American. Oh. My. Gawd. This. Shit. Is. Awesome. I don't drink soda or Koolaid or any other crap that's not cawfee, Diet Rock Star or water. I'm so thrilled I took a chance & spent .68 cents for a bottle of this water. Now I buy like 20 bottles every time I'm at Walmart. My fav of the favs? Pom BLUE Acai, Fuji Apple and Raspberry Blackberry. Mmmm. *slurp*

3. Peanut Butter & Company. I have always loved peanut butter but this stuff is amazing. Another Walmart treasure that I just happened to take a chance on one day. They have a store in NYC and recipes galore. AND they have squeeze packs! YUM! My fav of this fav is the Dark Chocolate Dreams. Check out the yummy goodness right here: I Love Peanut Butter.

DId I forget to mention YUM!?!

4. New York State. I love New York. I do. New York is where I grew up, had some of my most happiest times and it is where my heart is. Home. I'm not saying I want to live here forever because I don't. It's ridiculously cold and expensive. But, I have to give NY it's due. The Hudson Valley is stunningly beautiful, and many times it simply takes my breath away. I'm constantly amazed at the nature I see and there is always something that makes me smile.

5. Slippers. My animal print slippy's from Target rock my socks. Yep. They do. I have always wanted hard wood floors in my home and now that I have them, I always want slippy's on my feet. My entire family has new slippers (Thanks, mom!) and we wear the hell out of them. Plus, it makes me giggle to hear that slippy noise when any of us walk across the floor. Extra fav bonus for giggles.

6. American Horror Story. This has got to be my fav show on TV. The fact that it's on TV shocks me but I am SO glad it is. No longer do the reality shows grab my attention, nope. Most of them have jumped the Kelly Shark. But, this horror ridden, sexually explicit, mind effed show thrills me to no end. Even though it has gotten a ton of bad reviews, I don't care. I freaking love it.

7. Sunday Fun Day. This is a new addition to our lives since Abe has joined our family. Amanda & I always had impromptu fun, no matter what day it was, because we could. Since things have changes..economically, geographically, etc...we haven't been dedicating days to fun. Now, thanks to Abe, we do. Sunday Fun Day is a day where it's just that. Everything is fun. Like when we used to leave Vegas for Disneyland, the rule was 'No work talk, no negative talk, no bitching, no complaining, no stressing. Only fun lives here.' That rule now applies to Sundays.

8. Keurig. I am a cawfee addict and this overpriced, clever, little coffee machine makes me smile. I love the concept. I love how it looks. I love to hear it heating up. I love the no muss, no fuss. I love the oddities of the K-cups. I love my little K-cup carousel. I love all the little K-cup flavors. I also love that this was a gift. Given enough cawfee, I truly do think I could rule the world.

9. Our house. We rented this truly fabulous house in October and it's wonderful. It truly had everything that was on each of our wish list. A garage. A fireplace. Hard wood floors. Closets. Washer & Dryer. Front porch. Two bathrooms. Each of us got what we wanted plus some. A screened in porch. A deck. A firepit. Woods. A wishing well. A large yard. Red kitchen counters! I was a home owner of a fabulous Vegas house but it pales in comparison to this amazing NY rental. Add to the fact that my family is fabulous and makes this house a home.

10. Woolly Bears. They are so fluffy and cute! I constantly save them from danger, pet them and then set them free. I don't care if they predict bad weather, I think they are fun. Plus, I know a girl who has eyebrows that look exactly like Woolly Bears. So the evil Kelly gets to have a laugh, too.

11. Twisted Foods. This quaint, quirky shop is in a building that was built in the 1800's on Main Street in Rosendale. The proprietor is a smiley, city lady who makes you feel at home with all the delectables she creates. My fav is her chicken salad on a rosemary/garlic pretzel roll. If you are ever in Rosendale, stop in and see why this is on my fav's list. She also has a facebook page; Twisted Foods.

12. Warmth. Being warm is a fav that I never knew existed. I hate being cold. Seriously cannot stand it. Unfortunately for me, NY has the coldest winters I have ever known. I must still be a desert rat because there's not even snow on the ground and I feel like a Bumble. I'm so grateful to Abe for getting wood...ahem....firewood because I feel ok and almost normal when I'm standing next to the fire.

13. Dunkin Donuts. Home of the Boston Kreme donut and yummy hash browns. The coffee club card. The only place open during Hurricane Irene. The box o' cawfee. The introducer of blueberry cawfee. The transformation from West Coast girl to East Coast girl. Bye bye, Bucks. Mmm...Dunkin' Donuts. I have to say, though, I do miss the 'time to make the donuts' guy.

14. The city. Need I say more? A quick train ride and I'm in the middle of everything fabulous. In addition, it's the place my Sin City Core visits and lets me see their beautiful souls, bask in our glorious friendship, feel totally loved and constantly smile &/or laugh.

15. Apple Core. I have been an extremely lucky woman throughout my life because I have had the distinct pleasure of attracting, adding and keeping some of the most fabulously wonderful people to my core. My Apple Core has evolved into something so special and dear to me that I'm not sure I would have survived MANY moments in my recent life without the support, guidance, shoulders, help, humor and love of these amazing friends. Aristotle once said 'Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.' Aristotle wasn't my friend but I am glad these fabulous group of people are. Cheers, Apple Core! Mucho love all around!

*Peace.

OMG! I forgot one!!

16. FRED! I was rereading and checking for errors when the 'time to make the donuts' guy reminded me that I forgot Fred Dahling! My adorably, quirky, psycho cat who doesn't realize he's a cat! He showers with me, sleeps with me, head bonks me, watched me get ready in the morning, smells my lotions and gives his approval. He's just fun and sassy. So uncat like in every way..but I love him like crazy. :) He also his own Facebook. =^.^= Fred Dahling =^.^=

He gets 2 pics because I forgot him.

Bi-Polar Express

2011-11-30T12:53:00.001-08:00

I love nights out with my friends. Old friends, new friends, doesn't matter. It's a nice, refreshing break from everyday life and I embrace it.

Every damn chance I get.

I had one of those nights recently. Apple Core night was hysterical. While the number of attendees was small, the laughter was large. Thank gawd because I needed it. I have to say, though, that never in my life...and I've had a pretty wild life....have I seen a woman take a $5 bill, toss it on the floor just so our cute waiter would pick it up and we could check out his ass. AND I've been in Vegas for the past 20 years! haha! Who does that?!

My friend does and it was awesome.

The ladies then started chastising me because I wouldn't look. I have a gorgeous man at home to look at for free! There is no reason for me to look at anyone else that isn't Johnny Depp. I then got schooled in the arts of eye candy. Look but don't touch. So, next time, Deb, have your bills ready to be tossed because I will most definitely make you proud and look!

She is also responsible for this blog title. Another priceless gem that she spurt out while we were talking narcotics over alochol. haha! I haven't done drugs in 20+ years but I'm seriously thinking about trying Xanax. The girls were telling me how fabu Xanax, Prozac and the like were. I guess they are like little happy pills and what woman doesn't need a little happy pill once in a while? We are getting older, life is stressing harder and moods are raging tragically.

And I don't want to ride the bi-polar express!

Yes, I started a sentence with 'And'. Sue me, Mrs. Zerbe.

Anyway, I would need to get the nerve up to take unnecessary drugs. By unnecessary, I mean drugs that are not required for me to live. Which is funny because I can jump out of a perfectly good airplane but I am scared about taking narcotics. haha! Oy...maybe I need counseling instead of narcotics.

Speaking of getting older, who in the hell ordered this gray hair??? I typically don't get too freaked about the aging process. It happens to the best of us...and I still look freaking amazing. haha! But, this past year has turned me into an old, tired, woman. As if the wrinkles on my face & hands weren't enough, I had to find a silver hair the other morning. ARGH!!! I found hair tinsel!

I know the holidays are approaching but I don't want hair tinsel. Guess I'm going to need Xanax AND Clairol. haha! Wait..does anyone even use Clairol anymore? The name alone reminds me of a 1950's housewife.

Oh, and yes. It is true. ;)

Did you ever have an itchy part of your back that you couldn't reach so you asked the love of your life to scratch it for you? Do you ever wonder why, no matter how much they wiggle their twitching nails around, they just can't seem to hit the right spot. This frustrating endeavor can last for minutes, until, ultimately, it ends with a huff and you then begin to flail around like a contortionist trying to get some relief. This led me to wonder......is the back scratchy spot akin to the elusive G spot?

Yes, it's also true that some men still have no idea. Thank GAWD I don't have one of those men. La la.

I am not even finished writing this crap yet and I'm already thinking of other crap to write. No...no...I'm not bored at work today. Ahem. Not. At. All. I'm thinking I should have a secret submission. Like I tell a secret and you tell a secret. That might be a fun blog but audience participation would make it or break it. I was also thinking about another 'My Favorites' blog. I have a lot of new favs I'd be happy to share. Lastly, I was thinking about a 'Places I Steal From' blog. Yep....I'm a klepto.

I don't know. Maybe today...maybe tomorrow. 'To blog or not to blog'....that is the question. However, methinks 'To nap or not to nap' should be the question. At least I have the answer to that one.

*Peace.

Xbox

2011-09-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

I honest to blog think I was a gypsy in a past life.

Yes...yes....I'm moving again. This time I am moving into a gorgeous house in the woods. A gorgeous PRIVATE house in the woods. No creepers, stalkers, golfers or nosy neighbors all up in my business. Hooorah! This rental also has a year lease so I can rest assure that my wandering soul won't be moving over the next 360 days. Hooorah again! What is sad is that 360 days just doesn't seem long enough. I am so tired of moving!

Luckily for me, I haven't completely unpacked from the last 6 moves I've made over the past 1.5 years. Yes....6.....jaysus....I know! I said gypsy!! Or maybe I'm a wanderer since I'm blonde and most gypsies aren't.

This weekend, A, A and I drug all the crap from the spider shed and started condensing. Now, I condensed when I left Vegas and I thought I gave up a lot of stuff. (I miss you hammock!) I felt like leaving Vegas caused me to give up most of my life. Never until now did I realize how much I truly gave up. It was super sad. If you don't remember my torment, you can go back and read Under Pressure for yourself.

Then I condensed again in Seattle. What I couldn't sell or give away, I left on the street for anyone to take. Not so sad this time because I was in a numb state of being from July '10 to January '11. I went from like a 26' foot truck with a car tow to a 5'8' cargo trailer to a who knows what size utility trailer that I'm borrowing from my dad next weekend. Altogether that's a pretty sad story...but I know it will have a happy ending. It's my story. How could it not?

This time condensing didn't take that much time or energy. After all, I don't have a lot of anything left. Sad but true. This time I was purging what remained of my ex-stuff. I'm not typically a keeper. I like to erase all fragments of a failed relationship and carry on fresh. Very rarely do I find it necessary to rehash the past. Generally, the only thing I keep is their phone number so I know when NOT to answer. :)

However, there were those special few...very few...that caused me to tuck away a special few.....very few.....little mementos. Three to be exact. Each having their own Xbox which contained their own little memories. A Christmas ornament, a 'Love Is' coaster, a Fiji necklace, play tickets, a video...brown chicken brown cow....OH, STOP! You know you have done this. If not, you have thought about it or wanted to so shush. Letters, cards....pictures. I did keep a couple of the pictures, though, because I looked good in them! haha! AND they were good moments of my life. The Junior Ring Dance, the Bahama's, a wedding, Amanda's first fishing trip, a Gilded Otter luncheon.

Noooo....this did not make me think about sex tapes. Pervs. This made me think about Keepers and Purgers. I'm a Purger...(and a perv, but shhh.) I'm simple, not a fan of clutter and don't enjoy torture. So, bye! I purge. I know a lot of women who are keepers. Perhaps they need a gentle reminder of love lost or good times gone by. I can understand this because I kept Xboxes. Good times gone by. But, gone by, nonetheless.

Out of respect and complete adoration for A, the past needed to stay in the past. This beautiful man has given up so much just to be with me. Me! Simply because he has loved me for 20+ years. Wow. Mindblowing. The least I could do is throw out the Xboxes. In fact, I have never before wanted so badly to throw out the Xboxes. That kind of love alone is worth more than anything. He happily carried the Xboxes out to the garbage and that's when I smiled.

I smiled because I have those memories and I smiled because I have more memories to make.

It felt good to purge. It felt good to finally want to purge. Really good. It made me wonder why I held on for so long. Some of this crap I have had since high school and it has travelled more than those few I was with! haha! So, why keep? The memories exist whether or not you have a movie ticket stub. And, are women the only keepers? Or do men also have Xboxes full of memorabilia that they open from time to time?

I wonder....

So, I'm good. I'm cleansed. I'm free. I'm ready.

I'm still going to have Amanda smudge, though.

Better safe than sorry, I always say.

*Peace.

Ruler of the World

2011-07-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

I wish people looked like their personality. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think everyone should be able to see, in one glance, the wondrous person you are....or...the piece of shit you are. For example, the woman who works at DD that gives me my scrumdiddlyumptious Blueberry cawfee in the morning. She is the sweetest, nicest & kindest woman I've had the pleasure of noticing in my life....but she is unfortunate in the looks department. Then you have the beautiful, gorgeous eye candy, who works at none of your business, and is such a bitch that you just can't believe it's true. How can someone so beautiful on the outside be so ugly on the inside? And vice versa. How can someone unattractive on the outside be so beautiful on the inside? I honestly don't think it's fair. Thank gawd I am stunning inside & out. haha! Notice I didn't say stunning in a good or a bad way. ;)

Anyway. Whoever made the looks/personality rule needs to be smacked in the head. People with beautiful souls should have beautiful faces. People with crappy personalities should totally have crappy faces. That's how my rule would work. Psh. Would save a lot of time.

I knew I should have been ruler of the world.

Have you noticed that songs get ruined? If a song is in a movie, or a video game, or commercial, there is a good chance that song will forever be tainted in my head. For example, I'm driving down the road and 'Talk Dirty To Me' comes on the iPod. Is the first thing that comes to mind Poison and What The Cat Dragged In? Do I remember being totally stoned at their Orange County Fair concert & head banging with my girlfriends? Do I recall 80's glam bands & out of control hair? Do I remember when Bret Michaels was hot and not an aging rock star wanna be? No. I don't. The first thing that pops into this crazy mind of mine is Guitar Hero and the key sequence. Wiiii! Same thing with Slow Ride.

It doesn't stop there. Movies taint the music, too. Who doesn't think of Joe Dirt when 'Who Do You Love' comes on? You'd be lying if you said this wasn't the first vision that popped into your head as soon as you heard comes across your favorite classic station.

Dang.

I'm just saying, I wonder if these bands and artist know that one simple choice changes everything. 'The Joker'? Homer Simpson? Come on.

Oh, and I have to ask. Does anyone else get creeped out by dolls? I don't know if it's because they look like imitation people. Or if it's because they blankly stare at you with their creepy eyes. Or if it's because of this...

AHHHHHH! I seriously have to tell you...I hate dolls. I truly believe they suck your soul out at night when you're sleeping. Sort of like cats do. There is not one part of me that would ever want to visit that doll room lady. You know the one. She is about 100 years old and has an entire room filled with creepy staring dolls with creepy smiles and creepy stands attached to their creepy necks or creepy backs.

AHHHHHH! I was never a doll kid growing up. I'm not talking Barbies, either. Barbies, for whatever reason, are different. The only thing creepy about Barbies are their feet. No...I'm talking doll dolls. Amanda was never into dolls either. Thank gawd. I don't believe, in my 42 years of life, I have ever given anyone a doll as a present either. Oh, and yes. I also loathe those ventriloquist dolls. In fact, I loathe ventriloquists. Why don't they have real people as friends? Hmmm? Exactly.

*shudder*

Anyway, before I crawl under the covers and hide, let me finish. Since I'm assuming most people agree with my creepy doll opinion, why would you give them to people? Amanda & I went to a business grand opening and they were giving away prizes. Sign your name on a piece of paper, toss it in the bucket & you could be a winner, winner, chicken dinner! Ok! Yay! We did. Later that day, Amanda gets a phone call saying that we won. Yay again!! She said I won a book and she won fairy dust. Fun! Awesome! Let's go pick them up! And...away we went.

Amanda runs into the place and comes out a few minutes later with a look of horror on her sweet face. She gets into my car, hands me a book and then shows me this pink nightmare. She didn't win fairy dust. She won a fairy doll. This one, in fact.

AHHHHHH! We didn't know what to do with it so we put it in my closet. Granted, it could be worse. But, now, every time I go to get clothes, this blonde creeper grabs the closet door, taunts me with her evil eyes, curly locks and her creepy stand. I want to throw her away but I'm afraid of retaliation. It's like when I kill a spider. I think it's family will come back and seek revenge. I feel the same way about this doll.

Maybe I'll accidentally forget her when we move. Accidentally. Yea...accidentally.

Ugh.

If I were ruler of the world, there certainly wouldn't be any dolls.

*Peace.

The Universe, The Coyote & The Something.

2011-07-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

‘Listen. Balance, my darling, is not letting anybody love you less than you love yourself.’ ~Felipe from Eat, Pray, Love

As I sit here pondering my life in a lackadaisical manner, this quote keeps floating through my mind. Even though I am beyond bored & swimming in thought, I can’t help myself. I get up and put in the dvd with the slight hope of getting some sort of personal solace from Julia Roberts eating in Italy, praying in India and loving in Bali. What I wouldn’t give to do all three at this moment in time.

I am not one who loves lightly. I have wanted to be in love many times. However, I can only count the times I have truly been in love on one hand. I guess I’m lucky that I have had that many. So much luckier than those who have had none.

But, never….in all of my loves…have I felt so lost, lonely and completely mad. Not mad I’m going to punch you in the gonads mad. Mad as in insane, illogical, nonsensical, daft, wacky, deranged, mad. I’m not gonna lie. I’m a nutter to begin with. Crazy people know they are crazy. It’s the ones who don’t that you should be concerned about. I know I’m crazy. I know my mind works differently than most and I’m ok with that. In fact, that is one of the things I love most about myself.

Which brings me back to the quote. I love myself immensely. I can write you a litany of flaws that I have. I am beyond broken & perfectly aware of it. But, I love me. The fabulous, intelligently charming, oddly beautiful me. Also the flawed, imperfect, injured and broken me. I love it all, as it should be. I also love immensely. When I love, truly love, that person knows they are loved because I don’t hesitate to let it show, to let them know because everyone should know. Everyone should know they are loved.

Why, do you think, would I allow anyone to love me less than I love myself? Why do people, in general, accept this as such? And, we do. We all do. And, we all have. At some point or another and possibly still.

This is a great movie, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. It’s a great book. If you haven’t read or seen it, please do so. When I started reading this book, I connected with the author. I connected with her feelings, with her needs, her wants, her dreams, her hopes. I wanted to wander and find something that I knew I was seeking. Something that I knew I was missing.

My entire life, something was missing. Something was lost. Something. The ever elusive something. I never knew what the something was but I knew I didn’t have it. I knew I wasn’t finding it. I knew that I wouldn’t be complete, I wouldn’t be whole, I wouldn’t feel complete or whole, ever. Never. Not until I realized what or where that something was.

Then without notice, without warning, the Universe shuffles the deck, rolls the dice, draws a straw, sees what is needed, creates the opportunity and lays it in your life.

And, just like that, a new stage begins.

The teller at my bank says that I have the coyote following me in my life. The Coyote is a mythological character in Native American culture. He’s the trickster. He is the reason my life has always been filled with things that are just too much. I used to call it Murphy’s Law or I’d say I was like Schleprock. Come to find out…it’s a coyote. I’m so glad my grandmother had some Indian in her because I really needed a lifetime of this crap. I am so used to obscure things happening to me that my mom says I don’t even get upset anymore. I just laugh because, really? Did I expect anything less than chaos? Nope.

So…why should I be surprised that when I find that something. That void filling something. That lost, missing, elusive something. Why would I be surprised that I couldn’t immediately have it? Why would I be surprised that there would be tricks and hoops and chaos that I would have to endure. That I would have to deal with before I could have the something that I so desperately need to feel complete? To feel more loved than I love myself. Why would I think this would be easy?

So, whether it is the Universe or the coyote, the crazy thing is is that I had this something before. In my hands. In my life. In my heart. And…I let it go. I let it go for a comfort & safety that I knew. Thrown into the same exact situation 20+ years later, thankfully, I am smarter. I took the path I should have taken. I made the choice I should have made. I realized, completely and fully, that my something was found.

But...that's another story.

My life is about to have some big changes. Some big, crazy changes. Like I said a while back on Facebook, what sounds crazy to some people may make perfect sense to you. Why would my life be anything less than crazy chaos? I probably would be bored if it weren't. Or if Mr. Coyote wandered off to torture someone else. *hint hint*

Now this blog probably doesn’t make any damn sense to any one. Well…blame it on the coyote. ;)

‘I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something.’ ~Liz from Eat, Pray, Love.

*Peace.

Leave Your Past Behind You.

2011-03-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

Is your past really ever in your past?

This is the question that has been tickling my brain for a couple of weeks now. I even put said question as my Facebook status to see what sort of reaction I got.

Here are some of the comments:

Tina: Nope. Your past will always have a little piece of you. ALWAYS.
Michelle: It never is, the past has helped shape us into the person we are today. You may not see the same faces (of the friends and foes), but they will always be a small part of us.
Chris: I say absolutely not! As much as we'd like sometimes, its always there...but then without, we would not be who we are...and there is always something great to celebrate there! Just need to look closely and without judgment.

Interesting responses and I wholeheartedly agree. I'm pretty sure everyone does. The past is most definitely what makes us who we are on this day, in this moment. It has shaped our beliefs, our behaviors, our patterns & our selves into the fabulous beings that we are. Undoubtedly.

I think moving back to a small town, where everyone knows everyone...& thinks they know everything...has brought my past directly into my future. At times, this is lovely. At other times, a freaking nightmare!!

Some past relationships need to stay in the past because they weren't successful for a very good reason. These are the ones that need to be released. These are the ones that never had nor will have a chance of succeeding. These are the ones that prevent us from moving forward into healthy relationships. These are the ones that haunt us.

The 'failures'.

Let's be honest. We all hate to be lumped into the 'fail' category but it happens. Failed relationships. Failed friendships. Failed job choices. Failed outfit options.

A moment of silence for poor Menudo, please......ok.

So..what if the Universe, in her awe inspiring wisdom, throws a past relationship into your future for a very good reason? The one you weren't ready for then but may be ready for now. The one that had a chance of succeeding. The one that needs to be resurrected. The one that has hope.

The 'possibilities'.

Possibilities are a much happier category. They are more like the newly introduced fav in my life, the Pom Martini. With the perfect amount of vodka. The snap of salt on the rim. The giggly, happy tips. No hangover. Possibilities...& hopefully Pom Martini's...are endless.

I mean, if you are going to consider one option, you must consider both, right? Right. And...if you are one who believes in destiny or fate....what if you stumbled? Tripped...stepped back instead of stepped forward, would you lose your chance? After all, we all make mistakes. Would that be fair in the grand scheme of things? Or would the fates decide to let you suffer a bit before throwing that past into your present or future? Just so you realized, understood the chance you were being given & corrected the err in judgment? I know...it's mind blowing if you really commit to thinking about it.

Life is funny that way. Thankfully. Otherwise I'd be super bored.

For those of you who choose to delve deeper into the past concept.....how about this little slice? "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Thanks, Ralph. (No relation to Pom Martini, I'm sure.)

Now let's pull up the past anchor, hoist the main & sail on. There are clear skies ahead.

Freaking spring!!! Who doesn't love spring? Is there anyone? Really? Anyone? I mean, speaking of possibilities, spring is full of them. I am SO over this thing New Yorkers call winter. I call it suck and rightly so. All I know is that NY isn't ranking high on my gypsy list. The lilacs better be kick ass. I mean, even the grass & green woods aren't going to be kick ass because of the stupid ticks & bugs. It's like NY effs you every which way it can.

I wonder where I belong. I like the woods, and greenery. I like spring, summer & autumn. I like being warm. I took a quiz on Find Your Spot . There were many choices I would never chooses...ie: Arkansas. I've been through Arkansas & it's like the worst state ever. Blah. But, Chattanooga, TN was on the list. That'd be fun because I could be the annoying local that sang that song all the time. Georgia was on there. That'd be fun cause I wanna be a peach. VA was there & that's cool because VA is for lovers. OR was there, too, but that may be a little too far from home. I don't want to totally be away from the fam like I was in Vegas.

Ahem...pardon me, boy....

Hopefully, I will know before my 2 year NY plan expires. The truth is, I'm not sure where my life road will take me. I kinda like it that way. It's like a little surprise. Huh...maybe I am a gypsy. No....I'm definitely too white to be a gypsy. Maybe I'm a wandered. I'm pretty sure, though, that wanderer's would never have a BFF that had Dolly hair or a boyf with an Elvis lip...but...I've been known to be wrong before.

And, please don't forget, all that wander are not lost.

You know what I wish? That there was a special little message that callers/texters would get when you change your number. I've recently changed my number for justifiable reasons. Ahem...stalkers/creepers/liars/asstards/the annoying & insecure. Oh, & bill collectors.

Now the caller gets some random 'That person is unavailable' message & the texter gets nothing. They just think they are being ignored. How about, instead, they both get something like this: 'The person you're trying to reach has changed their number. Obviously you're one of the douches who didn't get the new number. Have a nice day.'

That'd be awesome....and effective, methinks.

Wow...tipsy rambling is fun....or maybe just I think so. haha!

*Peace.

Cidiot.

2011-03-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. I'm a cidiot.

I have been back home, in the sticks, for 5 months. I don't mean to insult anyone by referring to my home as 'the sticks' but, let's face it. It is the sticks. 'Country' makes me think of like Arkansas and crap. So, sticks it is and sticks it shall be to me. I find it unreal that Manhattan is only 1.5 hours away. Where in that 1.5 hour radius was a line drawn? A line that is palpable...but maybe only to those who have left.

Since I have been in Vegas for 20 years, that's my only point of reference, so bear with me and my comparison list.

Sticks:
~Everyone is related. If not by blood, then by marriage. Be careful because that girl at Cherries you are checking out may very well be your cousin. ;p
~Everyone is in your business. Whether it's true or not, people are gossiping about you. Apparently there isn't enough reality tv or Jerry Springer to keep the inbred occupied.
~Bodily fluid sharing....family style.
Example:
Jack sleeps with Jill, Edna & Jill's sister, Lisa. Marries Lisa.
Dan sleeps with Edna, marries Edna & then sleeps with Lisa, too.
Dan's twin sleeps with Jill.
Ew. Gross.
~Mullets are still in. Teeth are out.
~Trucks, deer heads, beer & chew. 'Nuff said.
~Smokers, smokers, everywhere. Not a clean breath to be had.
~Having a high school diploma doesn't mean you can spell....or deserved to graduate.
~Everything is old, dirty & worn down.

City:
~You're lucky if you know your neighbor, let alone be related to them.
~Privacy is key. No one knows when the last time you took a shit was & no one really gives one.
~Your love life is just that. Yours. Sure everyone has a past. But your past is just that....in the past.
Example:
Kate sleeps with Paco.
Kate stays with Paco for 3 years.
Kate never runs into Paco anyplace after they break up.
Kate never hears about Paco from anyone after they break up.
Awesome.
~Fashion over function...and teeth aren't kept in your pants pocket....and they are brushed.
~You don't have to travel 45 minutes to get a Starbucks.
~Education is important. Social responsibility is important. Equality is important. Culture is important.
~Everything is new, clean & efficient.

I love how people still say 'You grew up here!' Yea...grew up. I was a baby, kid & teen. I didn't care about anything other than candy, Barbies, cheerleading & boys. Come on! Be serious! So, I don't know how the heating works here. I turned on the heat in Vegas & it was warm. Magically. As it should be. It was also affordable. Here I have to call someone to fill a rusty tank full of something and pay $500 to freeze anyway. The roads were paved and smooth. Here I'm dodging everything from ice to potholes the size of the Grand Canyon to wild animals. Also, cars were new and well kept. Here they are held together by rust, dirt & twine. Here some of the outdoor furniture used to be indoor furniture, I'm sure of it. I'm used to manicured lawns & actual patio furniture. I don't know how to start a fire. Why is this important? Because my new house has a fireplace & I'm hoping that next winter it will help keep me warm as well as lower the $500 a month heating bill. Things are more expensive in the sticks than they were in the city. NY is taxing the muther effing crap out of everything!! Either that, or, I was just making tons of moolah in the city. I also have a ton of high heels and 1 pair of boots. Guess which I need more of? *sigh* Shall I continue my rant?

Yes, I shall. I seriously brake for squirrels. I have stopped in the middle of the road because of said platypus or a flock of pheasants & Googled. I knew they weren't turkeys!! HA! It's so dark here I can't see the road and now I really hate to drive. I have been cold for 5 months....literally freezing. I also think I've aged 10 years in the past 5 months so living here is hard. There are bugs everywhere. Yes, yes, there were bugs in Vegas, too, but I had Jason. My bug man. I don't think I ever thanked him or appreciated him enough. If you are out there, Jason, you are my creature champion. Thank you!!!

Of course, I have forgotten how to live here, and why wouldn't I?! It's been a freaking nightmare!! Winter is awful. But...I'm re-learning how to live here. It will take me some time but I refuse to fail. I refuse to let NY kick my ass in any way, shape or form. Watch me. The one thing I haven't forgotten is attitude and self confidence. I have tons of both.

However, I will never share bodily fluids like I'm partaking in a family of swingers orgy. I don't care how shallow the dating pool is. I will not dumb myself down for anyone nor will I allow you into my life uninvited. I did this when I was young. I am not so young now. I will also try very hard to keep my teeth in my mouth, clean and white. Promise.

I will love that my family & friends are here. I will spend every moment appreciating who they are, what they mean to me and how greatly they love. It's amazing. One of the great things about the sticks is that when you are in need...you are given all the help & support you can imagine.

I mean when I felt weaker than I have ever felt, am standing in the middle of my new kitchen floor, doubled over, crying & feeling like my best friend just ripped my stomach & my heart out...my true friend was there picking up my pieces and loving me completely. I walked out of that kitchen laughing, feeling more normal and whole than I have in 10 months, knowing everything was going to be ok. You can't buy that shit.

I will enjoy the spring, summer & fall. Although, spring & summer had really better be kick ass!! I'm OVER this winter shit. Another great thing about the sticks is I can plant a garden of veggies & flowers. IN THE GROUND!! In the actual ground!! I don't need to buy pots, potting soil & drown them in water 2x a day. ::angels singing:::

Now, I'm not trying to offend anyone who lives around here. So, if you happen to have stumbled across the internetz web and takin offenze....please don't. You have survived shit I have not had to nor have ever wanted to. Kudos to you....and your 1st cousin. ;) It's just funny to realize the difference between hillbilly's and cidiots, such as myself. I'm sure you are sitting at home, eating your venison & making fun of me, too.

It's just amazing that those who have never left here are exactly as they were 20 years ago. I mean, seriously....how can you not have evolved...to some extent? Again...we are only 1.5 hours away from civilization. Anyhoo...I sometimes feel like I have fallen back into a 'Land of the Lost' episode wondering how the hell I will escape & trying to avoid Chaka.

However, I will keep my West Coast niceness, smile when I want to scream & laugh when I want to cry. I will also keep my East Coast bad ass, won't take your shit & can survive anything. I grew up a New Yorker but I grew into a woman in Las Vegas. I think together they make a pretty fabulous person...albeit a cidiot.

*Peace.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

2011-03-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

I would tell you point blank that I am not a liar....but that would be a lie. Everyone lies. At least to some extent. Now that is true.

When you were a kid, you lied so you wouldn't get in trouble. 'I didn't break the vase, Mom!!'

When you were a teen, you lied so the boy would like you or so you could get into the girls pants. 'I love you, I promise!'

When you are an adult, you lie to not hurt feelings. 'No, you don't look fat in that outfit!'

So, let's give the kids & teens a free pass for this blog. Since most of my readers are adults...or older teens...it's ok to just focus on THE adults. I think that as an adult, the only lies that should be acceptable are 'white lies'. You know...those innocent, harmless, minor falsities.

'No, you don't look fat.'
'Yes, your makeup looks fabulous.'
'I can't come into work, I don't feel well.'

You really can't say your fat makes you look fat, your face & neck are two different colors & I really just want to lay on the couch eating chips & watching 'Sex in the City' reruns all day. You would love to...but it wouldn't be nice.

The one thing I despise more than anything...even cauliflower...are the adults who lie for no apparent reason. Anyone who knows me knows this is true. I speak the truth..and, yes, sometimes the truth hurts. I'm sorry.....BUT...I'd rather be hurt by the truth than to be hurt by the fact that someone choses to be a deceitful, weak, treacherous, game playing, liar. I guess the reason I hate it so much is because I don't understand the reasoning. I don't understand the why. I don't understand the concept. If there is no point....I mean, if you won't get in trouble, you have no chance of getting laid and nothing at all is expected from you, then why do it?

Is it that you actually and whole heartedly believe the words that are coming out of your mouth at the moment you are saying them? I mean, is that possible? Then when you walk away, you realize that it's not possible? Or...does it make you feel powerful? Successful? Does it inflate your ego? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to because I choose to be a stand up person. A good person. Someone who actually cares about the people in her life and goes to every extent to not hurt anyone without cause or just. But, meh, that's just me. I choose not to be a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Oh, and PS, great thing about being an adult is that I have the power to choose who I allow into my life and why. Liars are not allowed on 'Team Kelly'....but this guy is.

This leads me to my next thought. Is the ability to choose a good mate & have a successful relationship hereditary? I was talking to my dad yesterday about my colossal relationship faux pas. He told me it must be the ::insert family name::: curse. He said that I must get it from him because he cannot have a successful relationship. Positive way of seeing things but, hey. He just left his woman in the desert so he was a little pissy. Anyway, this statement caused my brain to, of course, over analyze & beat the crap out of it.

Maternal grandmother was married 4 times and was alone. Maternal grandfather was married 2 times. Step grandfather was married 1 time and is alone.
Paternal grandmother was married 1 time and died alone. Paternal grandfather was married 1 time and spent the remainder of his days with another woman.
Mom was married 3 times and is alone. Dad was married 2 times, but has children with 3 different women and is alone.
I was married 1 time and am alone.

Based on the family history, the one thing I decided was that I need to get married 1 more time to break the female chain of marital failure. That way Amanda will only be married 1 time and it will last forever. The other thing I decided was my family is mental. haha!

Here's what my friend, Cheets, told me in response to my recent query: 'You are MORE than capable and deserving of being in a great relationship. It's NOT you fucking them up Kelly. It's your choice of males. They are unable to understand you, support you, love you, honor you and contend with you. Morons!'

Mwah, Cheets, you're right on all accounts.

So, I obviously need to break the pattern...starting now. Especially if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life AND I want Amanda to live happily ever after in her marriage. haha! As if I'm going to be soley responsible for that. :D What I do know is that I won't be alone forever. For now, yes, I choose to be alone because I'm totes not ready to tackle the relationship road. I have a new life to adapt to. New job, new house, new surroundings, new people, new places. I need time to fully adjust & build a life here with my daughter. I do have my priorities, after all.

Besides, I'm not a relationship hopper. It's not high school where you'd break up with someone on Monday & have a new someone on Tuesday. No. I think there needs to be time in between. Time to regroup...and adjust.....like many life changes & upheavals need.

But...I do miss kissing. Maybe I can kiss a few frogs while adapting. I. Love. Kissing. It's one of my favorite things. My last boyf had a beautiful mouth. He did. Hmmm......yea....maybe I'll keep the kissing option open for now.

Now, enough relationship blah de blah and on to the important life questions....

If you have a hairy mole....why don't you have it removed? Especially if it's smack dab in the middle of your face? I swear...I'm more than certain this moley moley moley causes you much grief. Please, know this...it causes everyone else just as much grief because we can't look away. Unfortunately, not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear all of my emotions on my face immediately as I feel them. *sigh* Please, don't make me hurt your feelings or lie to you about not noticing. Go chop it off....

....and make some guacamoley! Teehee!

*Peace.

Today, I woke up happy.

2011-03-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Before I left Seattle, I went to my lovebug friend, Melissa’s house for dinner. Her beautiful mom was there & she read my tarot cards. It was funny because she asked me to focus on a question I wanted answered. A question. Any question. As a single woman, I wanted to typically ask ‘When will I find love?! Damn it! True, real, deep, forever, soul crashing love?!’ but that was not the question I asked. I know, amazing, right? People automatically assume that is the one thing that is lacking in my life. I, however, don’t see it that way. I have never been one to partake in flights of romantic fantasy nor have I been dependent on a man to make me happy. I am very good at doing that for myself. So, nope. That wasn’t my need-to-know question. My question was…

‘Am I making the right decision moving to NY?’

One of the things that Sheryl told me was that I would be poor…but happy….and I am both.

I am spoiled, I’m not going to lie. Freaking spoiled. I’ve spent years spoiling myself so it’s ok. I spoiled MYSELF! HA! I am a city girl with only a dash of country. So, adapting to upstate NY has been a struggle. I want Starbucks to be closer. I want the public restrooms to have toilet seat covers. I want there to be a plethora of dining choices. I want 2 bathrooms and a walk in closet. I want a bug man to take care of the creepies for me. I want a monthly massage, pedicure & bikini wax. BUT….I can’t have those things……right now….and I’m still happy. Imagine that! I’ve realized that those are the things that made my life a happy luxury and those are the things I took for granted. I’ll have those things again, I have no doubt, but I deserve to go without for a while so I can get back to the things that truly matter AND learn to appreciate the things that didn’t. All the wonderful life things that I have now & all the wonderful life things that I've always had.

For example:

I am in love with my new house. Love, love, love. It is small, fabulous and wonderful. My landlady is a high powered NYC lawyer who is the bee’s knees, too. She doesn’t normally rent but made an exception for me based on my ex’s request. He’s not an ex, though. I mean, he is, but he doesn’t fall into that category. There needs to be a different category for exes that you are still the best of friends with.

Anyway…back to my house. Landlady is an amazing, single, pet loving lawyer! So, don't eff with me..AND it’s a house!! I won’t be able to afford to spend frivolously and buy things like food…haha…but I’ll have an amazing home. Things here are old. My house in Vegas was built in 1994 and THAT was old. Here shit was built in like the 1800’s..that’s ancient! My new house was built in the 80’s, and to me…it’s old. My landlady had the entire bathroom and kitchen redone. She put in new carpeting and windows. She is really making it beautiful for me and I am so excited. I have a yard, woods, a stream, a fantastic view and a new toilet! Haha!

But zero closet space. Ugh. Time to get creative with my shoe collection.

I am in love with my new job. I have learned new skills that, oddly enough, I rock at. The people are wonderful and I feel so fortunate to have landed this job. I have been here 2 months and not once have I woken up cranky because I have to go to work. That in itself is a miracle. I know this job won't be forever but, for now, it's exactly what I needed.

I am in love with my family. What more can I say? Potlucks, dinners, walking into a store & seeing my sister or my Aunt. It’s comforting and I totally feel the love. My support system has tripled and I am so fortunate to be loved like I am.

I am in love with my friends. Some old friendships have changed and that’s ok. Some new friendships have resulted and that’s better than ok. I laugh daily and what is better than that? Nothing.

I am in love with my daughter’s life. She is doing fantastic things and probably the reason for my coming to NY has to do with her life. Her fate. She has lovely friends, she has a great job and she was the only student at her high school chosen to receive a wonderful opportunity. She will go to college for one week this summer for a program that will look stupendous on her college applications. It’s free and she will earn college credit. I am unbelievably proud of her. Unbelievably happy for her.

I am in love with this area. We see new creatures every day. A family of deer live in my yard. A group of turkeys live down the road. A flock of pheasant live just down the road from the turkeys. Is it a flock? A bunch? A gang?? I can't help but wish they were a flock of seagulls though. That'd be funny! There is also a beaver or woodchuck or platypus..haha…some kind of something lives next door. Every day has some beautiful new site to behold. Spring is coming and that brings lilacs, freshness, new life, flowers and sun. Not the melt your face off Vegas sun. The beautiful life sun. People come out of hiding and they are happy. Yes…this is something for New Yorkers. We are born to be uptight. Haha! Thankfully, not only am I a city girl with a dash of country, I’m also an equal mix of East Coast/West Coast..but that’s another blog.

I know bitchy blogs are the funniest & misery loves company but give me a break. This was a long time coming & I had to fight for the happy to win. So suck it! haha!

Here are some other random things that made me smile today:

:) Aerosmith was playing at Quick Check while I was pumping gas. Made me not notice the price.
:) The fact that his beer left a smiley print on a napkin made someone think of me. xo Jason!
:) Having a bird sing me awake this morning instead of the alarm clock.
:) Adam's Fairacre Farms Lawn & Garden Show is soon!! Flowers!
:) The sun is shining.
:) I have the winning lotto tickets in my purse.
:) My stomach is sore from sit ups. Makes me feel accomplished. haha!
:) The fact that I can plant things in the ground now instead of in a pot.
:) The blueberry bush & lilac I am going to plant in the ground instead of a pot.
:) This song that I've heard 2x today..on my ipod & on my favorite station WDST.

Today, I woke up happy.

And I will not take that for granted.

*Peace.

Crazy Train Convos

2011-02-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

How many people talk to their cars? I do. I’ll admit it. Especially since moving to New York and dealing with snow & ice for the first time in 20 years. First time ever dealing with snow & ice for Taffy. Poor girl. She’s from San Diego, for cripes sake!! Yes, I named my car. Shush. I actually talk to & name all of my cars. The names are based on the colors. The convos are based on several things. I thank her..a lot..for a job well done. I apologize for not washing her & being nicer. I encourage her quite often knowing that her job must suck. I’ve even love patted her dash or wheel on occasion. I am pretty sure I’m not the only passenger on this crazy train. I’m also pretty sure that my car conversations are more intelligent than most convos I have with adults.

Speaking of conversations, have you ever noticed that when a stomach growls, your stomach responds? Or does that just happen to Amanda & I? Our stomach’s have convo all the time. I’ll hear her stomach growl, because I never feed her, and I’ll laugh. Two seconds later my inability to keep quiet becomes obvious as my stomach responds. We can go back & forth until one of us gives in and goes to grab a sandwich. I wonder if growling is contagious… like yawning.

Speaking of crazy trains, another passenger on board is Leonardo Damon…..or Matt DiCaprio. Yes, I am 98% sure that Leonardo DiCaprio & Matt Damon are the same person. What? I do! Not only do they look like they were separated at birth, they are rarely in the same place at the same time & some of their movies are oddly similar. The 2% unsurety is because I know Matt Damon is fucking Sarah Silverman and Leo isn’t.....yet.

Here are some more random thoughts…or questions…or enigmas...or passengers that have also been riding the crazy train.

Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first? I am still trying to figure this one out. The non-snorer should be exhausted and instantly fall asleep but nope. Never happens. Crazy.

This is very sweet but it still makes me giggle. When I was driving the huge Penske, towing my car & headed up the West Coast, I couldn’t believe how many people told me to be careful. The same while driving my car towing a U-Haul cross country, or during a snow storm…always the same…’Be Careful’. Well, der! Like I would be anything but careful! Like I got behind the wheel, said to Taffy ‘Hey! Taffy! Let’s be reckless! Wahooo!’ Like I said…so terribly sweet & thoughtful…but still. Crazy.

Those adorable Facebook friends who upload pictures of themselves…and ‘Like’ them. The same with posting a comment and liking it. Obvs you like it, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted it. I don’t get these people and this behavior. At all. Crazy.

The other day, I had a moment with this girl who is SO active on Facebook. I mean, I'm overly active on FB, too...it's called boredom...but I am social in person. This girl, not so. It's like she couldn't converse without her face shoved in a monitor and her pads furiously typing away. Is being socially interactive making us anti-social? Is this where our youth is headed? Crazy.

Lastly, the crazy train passenger who obsesses over relationships that had barely lasted a moment in time. I think obsessing should be saved for relationships that, at the very least, lasted a year. I may even give a free pass for half a year. But, nothing less. Obsessing over anything less makes you unstable, certifiable and a lovely candidate for medication or a restraining order. Just saying. Crazy.

OH! One more crazy for the road. I said I’d never listen to country but may have changed my mind because of songs like this. I know the perfect audience for this ditty. Enjoy...ya Crazy.

*Peace.

Where Does The Love Go?

2011-01-29T11:35:00.001-08:00

That has been a question I keep asking myself over the past few weeks. Of course, after my mind started to get repetitive, demanding answers in it’s typically annoying fashion, I consulted the only thing I knew would have what I was seeking. The all knowing. The Guru. The intellectual god…or goddess. The answer to everything. The computer savvy’s personal Chuck Norris.

Google.

Come on, admit it. Google makes us all a little smarter.

I was shocked to see the same question was asked about 513,000,000 times. So it seemed that here was yet another one of life’s great mysteries. Were we all destined to don buffalo sandals, wander days & nights through the desert, on a pilgrimage to find the answers to such mysteries? Perhaps. And, perhaps the heart is something we will never know or understand. But…we all will die trying. Willingly.

Google showed me this question ranging anywhere from songs to quotes to videos. There were people in marriages asking, people newly separated inquiring, people divorced or recently single wondering. It was comforting in an odd, impersonal way, to know that I wasn’t the only one having this question keep them awake at night.

I wasn’t alone. Thank you, Google. Again, thank you for your amazingness.

The next day I was sitting on the couch cursing Time Warner Cable because I should only have 1 remote for 1 TV, not 42 and none of which I know what to do with. Finally, I stumble across an old episode of ‘Sex in the City’ & I engage. I mean, why not? It’s like a comfy pair of socks to those of us with ovaries. Warm, cozy, estrogeny.

Again, I was shocked. I’ve been shocked a lot lately, which is amazing because I rarely am, but anyway. There on the screen was man hands Carrie asking the same exact question: ‘When people fall in love, and then they break up, where does the love go?’

Damn it, Carrie Bradshaw! You are a genius! In matters of fashion AND in matters of the heart.

Love has many faces and is very good at camouflaging itself. It’s true, think about it. Loneliness, hatred, despair, envy, joy, passion, laughter…. So, maybe the love goes into remission or disguises itself as something else…or someone else…in order to heal. I don’t think either of these things are the way it should be. Disguising love as something else is basically an emotional lie. I know my recent ex doesn’t hate me. He is definitely behaving and believing with his entire soul that he does but that’s because I hurt him. Or pointed out the harsh realistic truth. Who knows?

Anyway, I am well aware that anger is a much easier emotion to deal with than sadness, hurt or rejection. But, because I’m a smart tart, I know that this is love’s mask. It’s how he chooses to heal, carry on and make himself feel better. Sad, but true.

I also don’t think a replacement partner is the answer. Love doesn’t transfer. I’ve had a few great loves and each one has been different. Amazing and special in it’s own way but different. The premise is the same, but the love is different. Luckily for me, I still retain 2 of my great loves. We have been friends and will always be. We loved each other and will continue to love each other. But, this is another story.

Can you remain friends with an ex? I absolutely, 100%, say yes. (another blog, another time)

I suppose no one really know where the love goes after a break up. Only you decide and choose. I do know that love will never disappear. It may fade, or like I said, become something else. Whether it becomes a mask or simply wanes, the love remains. Like someone somewhere once said…trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

So, don’t. Put your love where I put mine. Nicely tucked away in the corners of my mind.

So, enlighten me and let's dig deeper. Where does your love go?

*Peace.

X-Rated

2011-01-09T07:38:00.001-08:00

Yea, yea. I'm still bitching about it. This is why I don't usually date. The break up part. Not that I go into a relationship expecting the break up part, but when it does happen..which, let's face it, has been the case thus far otherwise I wouldn't be dating! Anyway, when it does happen, I hate it.

First thing I hate is the 'bad guy' role. We aren't 13 so why does there even need to be a 'good guy/bad guy', 'black hat/white hat', 'hero/villain' scenario? Why can't you man up or woman up, look at the issues and make a logical decision based on right and wrong? Agree to disagree?

Welp, as you can probably guess, I've been x-rated the bad guy, black hat, villain.

::cue in the villainous music:::

Drives. Me. Crazy.

If you are going to ask me to write a list of ALL the things that make me unhappy or angry or things that I don't like....don't be shocked when I do. This villainess may be a lot of things but mostly she is honest & real. Anyone who knows me for 2.5 seconds and has a brain should be aware of that fact. So, don't play the victim when A) I do what you ask and B) I tell the truth. Was it mean? Absolutely. Was it factual? Absolutely. Was it going to hurt? Yes. That's why I sat with you while you read it, asked if you were ok, and communicated with you regarding it. But, let's not forget that I also included a list of things I loved. A list I didn't get to finish because I got sick.

Ironic?

I'd say.

Second thing I can't stand is the name calling. Again...what are we? 13? I am not cold hearted. I have loved more strongly and more deeply than you will ever know. I am compassionate. So much so that I actually worry about you..even when I am so near hating you. I am a bitch though. I won't take anyone's bullshit. I won't tolerate freeloading. I won't allow myself to be mistreated or used. By anyone. I will also not allow myself to be manipulated. I am not mean, I am honest. There is a big difference, sunshine. Big. Huge. Sorry I told the truth instead of stroke your insecure yet oddly arrogant ego. I won't be alone for the rest of my life. Of this I have NO doubt. I will not kill every relationship unless it requires sudden death. I do not mistreat children. I treated yours better than you did. I do not hate children. I parent them and hate the parents who don't. I am better than a crack whore/addict. What the hell this has to do with the price of rice in China is beyond me. Have you seen my life? Oh, wait, no, you haven't. You never even asked about it. I am not a loser. Really? hahaha! Glass houses, goose, glass houses. My disease is not my baggage. My disease is part of who I am that I have little control of. You are not allowed to use this as a fault against me. Doing so makes you a heartless dick. My disease is not a form of abuse to my daughter. My daughter is a more understanding, loving, compassionate & caring young lady because of my disease and how I raised her. You would do well to try & raise women as fantastic as mine is because right now...you are failing. Sad part is....you know you are. My family is just as wonderful & important as yours. Don't you ever make the mistake again of bad mouthing any member of my family. I am not crazy. Or maybe I am but at least I am woman enough to admit my faults, own up to my mistakes, take responsibility and be accountable. I feel good about myself because I am worthy of feeling good about myself. Never again will I allow someone to love me less than I love myself.

I am intelligent..this drove you nuts because you said it like it was an insult all the time. I am a survivor...you hated this, too, because you are barely hanging on. I am brave, I am not lazy, I am not a loser, I am better, I am secure, I am confident, I am a hard worker, I am determined, I am a superb mother, I can take care of myself and my daughter and I will succeed. In every thing I do and in every step I take. It is about me....and my daughter...and our happiness and that's a delight. These are the things that threatened you and how sad is that? These are the things that would have made me proud, hold my head up just a little higher and beam at my good fortune that I was loved by such a creature.

I'm also not going to try and save anyone. My once upon a time BF, Bill, told me that I am always trying to save people. He's right. Right in two things he said because he also said that I was put on this Earth to let everyone know what an asshole they are. haha! I vouche to not try and save anyone next time. I will look for someone who has saved themselves and is an adjusted, responsible, functioning member of society. A Champion, as you said. I will find my Champion...if he doesn't find me first.

I'm sorry your life choices have beaten you down so badly that you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and punched you in the head. That, indeed, is a very sad thing. I'm sorry that you believe your family doesn't love you because I would bet my life that is untrue. I'm sorry that you are so engulfed in negativity that you don't have hope, or promise, or look for the good. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you but you are so far gone that I'm not sure anyone can. Not even yourself because you won't allow yourself to see, open your mind and, most of all, believe. This demolished our future, not me.

PS- I'm not the only one who knows these things about you, any of these things. I'm just the only one who would say them to you. This I promise.

Now, I said I was a lady and would never bad mouth you. I don't see this as bad mouthing, I see this as reality. However, every man's perception is his own reality. I once said I was a realist and was told 'You have too much hope to be a realist.' This absurdity will always make me laugh. I am totally a realist. I can hear the bad about myself and I don't immediately take offense or take on a defensive mode. I look at it, analyze it, view my behavior, make a logical decision based on the facts and if you are correct - I apologize and try to change that behavior. If you are incorrect, I say so. If I'm not sure, I give the benefit of the doubt and keep an eye on that behavior until I know for sure. Everyone can change for the better, everyone has faults. Some people want to improve & better their behaviors, some don't. Whatever. I say hope is a beautiful, powerful & positive thing.

Like me.

*Peace.

PSS - NOW I am done. Door closed.

Hello, 2011.

2011-01-01T18:35:00.001-08:00

This year I have decided not to make any New Year Resolutions. I know this sort of breaks the ‘typical’ rule of engaging in new beginnings but I’m a wild cat like that. I thought that I would save my self some disappointment & guilt. I think I get enough of that without setting unrealistic goals and unachievable dreams. So, this year, I didn’t resolute.

This year I also didn’t make the traditional family black-eyed peas with a lucky coin in them. My Ma used to make this delight *cough cough* every New Years Day…like clockwork. It was one of those things you knew you could count on. Like…knowing the jelly from a jelly donut will shoot out at some point or like knowing the roof of your mouth will be sore after monging a bowl of Captain Crunch. Ma would make, serve & tell you it was bad luck if you didn’t eat some. Black-eyed peas taste like ass. But, I would suffer through in hopes that luck would find me. The coin was an extra dash of luck. Whomever was lucky enough to procure the coin in their bowl of peas would be extra lucky…wooohoooo! So, I thumbed my nose at tradition twice. Yes…I did.

We’ll see what being a New Year rebel will bring. It most certainly will not compare to the nightmare of 2010. I’m also not going to woe is blog about the crap year I’ve had. Anyone who knows me knows it had been one of the worst. 2010 kissed ass. 2011 will kick it. I’m determined to make it so.

2010 had some pretty fabu high points though. I was a bridesmaid, my house sold quickly, I got out of Vegas, I adventured in Seattle, I wandered across the US and I spent the holidays with my family. Pretty amazing stuff. While it didn’t quite add up to the amount of bullshit that happened, it certainly helped ward off the suicidal tendencies.

JOKING!

I’m too arrogant to be suicidal.

I did learn that I am a wonder. I totally surprised myself. I am braver than I thought. Smarter than I thought. I love stronger than I knew. I tolerate more than I expected. I can carry a pretty heavy load on my shoulders & continue walking. I can smile through my tears. I have hope that doesn’t falter. I don’t give up.

For that, I thank 2010. I almost forgive you for making me lose myself but not quite. You still are a whore. So there.

42 was meant to be my year! Remember?! The answer to everything! Fabu 42! MY YEAR!! Well, I still have time….& 2011 to make it so. I’m ready….SO ready! Onwards & upwards universe. Let’s do this thing!

Wait….

Here I go again, skipping chapters, you know what would be a really awesome job? Picking out the music for movies. I would love that job. I’d also love to be the person who named Crayon colors. That’d be super fun, too. I need something super fun…and super creative. Guess I’ll have to wait until I hit that Mega Millions jackpot. It’s gonna happen. I have no doubt. It’s gonna happen soon, too. Yessireebob.

OH!! Wait…another chapter!! You know what drives me IN-EFFING-SANE!! People who don’t take responsibility or are accountable for their actions. My BFF, Bill, who is no longer my BFF but whatevs. He once said to me that I was put on this Earth to let everyone know what an asshole they are. I think he’s right. I was. Now, I know when I’m being an asshole. I know when I’m being a bitch. I know when I make a mistake or when I’m wrong. If I don’t, I certainly listen to the person explain my faults and I do one of three things. Agree & understand. Try to fix said fault. Disagree & leave it be. What drives me nuts is those who do not see/admit/acknowledge the error of their ways. Really? Is this stupidity, blindness or immaturity? Or a combination of those things and more. I don’t know. Anyway…this is another chapter for another blog. Stay tuned.

So, I’m back. I’m dusting off the old Kelly for the New Year. Granted she’s slightly bruised and beaten but she’s also a little more spectacular. Sorry for the extended hiatus but I got a little lost…..and that’s all I have to say about that.

Hope you had a wondrous New Year. Hope 2011 is the bee’s knees for us all. I hope this year lacks disappointments and exceeds in joyous laughter. Most of all just be happy. That’s the most important thing, I think. The most precious.

*Peace.

Hands of Fate.

2010-10-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

How many times does fate need to throw you the signs before you pay attention? How many times before fate gives up and basically says 'Meh, you're fucked now.'

It sounds like I'm talking in riddles and I could be because no one is really sure how fate plays her hand.

I pay attention to signs. Sometimes I get them wrong, sometimes I miss them but I am not one to tempt fate so I do try to pay attention. I also have quirky thoughts about fate. Such as, I think fate plays by the '3 strikes, you're out!' rule. I think if you miss or ignore the signs she sends you, she stops after three. I also think fate is a woman...or 3 women according to Greek mythology. A man wouldn't mess with you so much. They don't have the mental capacity. Bahaha! Kidding for the 2 men that actually read this! It's a joke! JOKE.

Oh, you need an example? Ok..an example...a story...ummm...let's say you meet the love of your life when you're 18. Life being life, unexpected curveballs are thrown into the game and college has you both going your separate ways. You break up due to circumstances, not because you no longer love each other. Again, life being life, it continues on before you realize how much time has passed. You find yourself married with kids doing the daily grind when you run into your love.

He, too, has been following life's lead, married, children, corporate job, daily grind. You both quickly realize that the love hasn't changed. The passion, desire, want, need and love are the same. Palpable. Strong. While chatting, you talk about jobs and realize that he had seen you before you dated but never put it together. During high school you worked summers at a local store and he would come in just to see you. You never knew...until that moment...that fate has been playing her hand since you were teens. You just didn't know how to play the cards dealt.

So, here's the conundrum. Do you remain in a marriage that leaves a lot to be desired, do you honor that commitment and forsake your fate. Or do you grab on with both hands and live the better, happier life you were meant to live. Tough one, ey? The thing is, most people don't know that the life they are living could have a happier story had they taken a different road. The opposite also holds true. The other road could have been a dead end and you made the right life choice. But, do you ever contemplate the 'what if's'?

Ok, 'what if's' is totes a different story so back to the example story. It's like...a bus makes a special stop at your house to pick you up. Each time the bus pulls up, you don't get on. The bus stops for a third time, you don't get on and the bus driver says 'Meh, you're fucked now. I'm not stopping again.' Yea...see how I tied that in? haha!

I think that's how fate works. So, not getting on the bus may be the safe move but you could be missing out on something wonderful. Especially if fate keeps throwing the situation in your face.

Sorry. Had to. Bahaha!

I don't want to miss out. I choose to live life to the fullest effect. I want to love fully, hurt fully, laugh fully and cry fully. I want to experience every shift, turn, change, bump, rise, start and finish of this roller coaster ride. I want loops, too!

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't throw my cards to the wind and let fate decide where they land. Freedom of choice. I choose what I play but I allow fate to show me the hand. We work together, fate & I, and I give her the upmost repsect. Even when I don't agree with her. After all, I am the responsible one.

So, we shall see what hand fate will deal me now that she has brought me to New York. It may be a rough ride but I'm totes excited for where I'll end up.

*Peace.

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

2010-09-21T04:25:00.000-07:00

Not me. I always knew I could go home.

'Did I want to?' was the real question.

But, in typical Kelly style, I was given an idea..an option, it took root, things quickly fell into place and I was back on the highway. Moving right along like a gypsy, the wandering soul that I always was. It seemed that my beloved Seattle turned into a fabulous summer vacation. I silently vowed to return as I watched the city fade away in the background.

NEW YORK!

Whenever I say New York, people immediately assume 'New York City?!' and, oooohhhh, how wrong they are....

I'm from NY, 'tis true, but definitely not the city. Or anything remotely close, for that matter. I was...am....so far removed from city life.

So far that I forgot how to live here. How to live in the cold, dark, buggy, hick New York where I grew up. I love how people say that. 'You're from here!' or 'You grew up here!' or 'Your roots are here!' Uh...yea....but put a little more thought effort into that, pal. I left when I was 23. 18 of those years I was just a kid. 6 of those years were spent driving in the snow. 5 of those years were spent partying. All of those years were spent trying to figure out WHO I was....not where I was.

I didn't become who I was going to be while I lived here and I forgot most everything about living here. For example, I don't know how to get to my best friends house without Daniel, I don't know how I'm going to drive in the snow, I don't know how long it takes to get to Middletown, I don't know how the heating works...don't you just turn the thermostat on?? Like normal people? No. That's not the way of it in the country. Most of those 23 years have been forgotten, sorry to say. I remembered the important stuff anyway. How wonderful my Aunt Donna's hugs feel, how I smile when I hear my friends laugh, how handsome and funny my ex is, how magnificent the trees are. Those things were remembered.

My home is wildly different yet oddly the same. I may not remember names but I remember faces. I may not remember how to get places but I remember what those places provide. I may not know where to grocery shop or where Starbucks is but I'll find them. I can change. I can adapt. I will survive. Yep...just as I always do. I am starting out with nothing but I will make it grow into something. Something wonderful...in time.

I will not lose my city though. I won't. I'm like that 'You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead, fingers.' motto. Who I became was a city girl with a dash of country. Pry as you might, the city is staying.

OH! This reminds me that I need a gun...and a dawg....for protection. See? I'm already becoming country-fied! I'm also wearing flannel today. It's 72 degrees. *brr* BUT, there are certain country depths that I will not reach.

I promise.

My gawd, people, it's 2010. I know I'm in hick New York but it's still New York!! Make some effort, for Cripes sake! Have some pride in yourself! I know my dating pool has drastically turned into the kiddie pee pool but sheesh!! There are toothbrushes available in the country! I know that most people are poor here but toothbrushes cost very little at the dollar store. Oh, wait, they cost a dollar! Dollar store, get it? I know there is one, I drove by it. If $1 is too much to spend, run outside, grab a stick, wrap some grass around it and scrap the caked on white gunk that has built a fortress around your gum line off. Come on!! If you can't see it, I am certain you can feel it.

Or worse yet..smell it. *gag*

Oh, and neck beard guy, get a razor while in the dollar store. Your hair line should end before it reaches your ass or ankles. Just saying.

I realize that I have become a bit of a snob. Perhaps 'snob' is the wrong word, I'm truly not a snob. However, I have become accustomed to a certain quality of life that I have left behind. I created and maintained this quality of life so I am sure I can create and maintain another level. It's just the time that drives me nuts. I have zero patience in the city or in the country. In the interim, I have to adapt to things that I don't remember, that I am not comfortable with, that I did not choose. That's the joy of recession. As much as I detest and deny that word, I have become a casualty of it. Not a victim...never a victim.

I'm also thnking I might get a chicken.

My gawd....I'll definitely be the talk of the town feeding chickens while wearing heels.

*sigh*

All of this aside, I have been through a lot over the past 5 months and so has my daughter. A lot. We will spend the next 5 months settling in to our new lives. Focusing on us. Our unit. Our happiness and our well being. No one else's. I am determined for my child and I to be happier than ever before. Just watch.

I am also determined to avoid cross country driving any time soon. Yawn.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to go cut some wood so I won't freeze tonight or bail some hay. I don't know. Something country. Yeehaaaw.

*Peace.

Pancake Face.

2010-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

RAWR!!!!! Now that I've got that out, I can write. I have not rawr'd since I got here because my friend, Matt, told me not to. Sorry, Matt, it had to be done. :)

Oh, Seattle, why do you torture me so?!

I have been unemployed for 5 months. Almost 3 of those months have been spent in Seattle. I love Seattle, I do. I thought Seattle was my destiny, I did. Now...I'm doubtful, I am. Maybe Seattle wasn't my destiny. Maybe I wasn't paying attention to the signs. Maybe I was merely paying attention only to what I had my mind set on. I don't know. I wish I did know. I wish I had the answers. The only thing I do know is that if Seattle IS my destiny, she had better make herself known STAT. Otherwise, I may be moving home.

What I also know is that I was meant to get out of Vegas. Of that, I have no doubt. I hated Vegas from the moment I arrived. Seattle is worlds above Las Vegas. (No offense to all you Sin City lovers.)

Here is a perfect example of Seattle vs Las Vegas.

This is the M*A*C store in the Westfield Mall, Seattle. One person was in this store. One. The M*A*C store at Town Square in Vegas is wall to wall pancake faced women. Crazy, huh? Now, I know a lot of women in Vegas and only a couple of them were pancake faced. But Vegas is a planet of it's own. A planet I didn't belong on. I'm au naturale when it comes to makeup. While I do enjoy buying M*A*C makeup, I also enjoy having my face and neck be the same color. Ahem.

Another big difference is that in Vegas I wanted a big car. I felt safe in a big car. I chose SUV's. I refused to have anything less. In Seattle, I want a small car. I would feel safe in a small car. A Beetle, a Smart Car, anything little. The roads here are so tiny & European. I am scared to even drive my CRV. CRV's are the tiny version of an SUV. The soccer mom car. Can you imagine if I had a big Chevy truck or Surburban? Worse yet...a Hummer? Oy. Not only wouldn't I fit driving down the road, I'd be ostracized driving an environment destroying Hummer.

Not to mention that I have received three tickets since living here. Three!! I haven't had three tickets in my entire life of driving. Until I moved to Seattle, that is. Double Oy.

Life is definitely different here. Living in the desert for 18 years has caused me to forget about living in the humid continental climate for 23 years. Here are a few of those forgotten things:

BUGS!! Where there is water, there are bugs. More importantly, spiders. GASP!!
Greasy hair. I have thin, baby fine hair. I can wash my hair in t he morning and have greasy hair by the evening thanks to all the moisture in the air. Ahhh.
Pimples. Not only does said moisture cause my hair to be greasy, it causes my face to be greasy. What comes with a greasy face? Acne! Oh, joy.

::shudder::

On the flip side:

Flowers! Fresh, natural, beautiful, wonderful flowers blooming everywhere. This almost makes the bugs acceptable. Almost.
Soft skin. There's no need to submerge myself in lotion here. I'm as soft as a baby's behind. And what does soft skin bring...
Less wrinkles. Perhaps my body sucking up all this moisture will prevent me from looking like this in a few years.

Wherever I may end up, it certainly won't be back in Vegas. I will take spiders over scorpions any day. That alone should be proof of how much I dislike the desert.

Welp, now I'm off to engage in mental warfare with myself. Seattle vs Kingston. Should I stay or should I go?

Amanda made an interesting point the other day. We were talking about what we would do if I didn't get a job by October. Would we try and stay in Seattle or would we move back to my hometown in NY. Miss Bright Light says...'Mom, it's so funny. You left NY because you needed help. Now we may be moving back because you need help.'

Yes, lovebug. Life certainly does seem to bring us full circle. Good thing I didn't leave NY because I hated it.

*Peace.

Dear Moms.

2010-08-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

You know what's interesting? Teenage dynamics. Everyone knows that once a person enters the teen stage, life becomes wildly erratic.

For all involved.

My daughter & I have a wonderful relationship. Seriously, it's true. I'm not one of those crazy mom's who think their child is the bees knees when truly they are just the opposite. I am not one of those crazy mom's living in a fairy land of my own creation regarding my kid. My kid IS the bees knees. Anyone who has met my kid knows I have done my job well. I am a good mom. It's the thing I am the best at. My kid knows she can talk to me about anything without judgment. My kid knows she can trust me. My kid knows I would move heaven and Earth for her, without hesitation, without question, without reserve. We are friends. We are family. We are a unit. We are soul mates.

However, she is not perfect by any means and neither am I. I know...shocking...right?!

What's interesting is that many teens do not have a functioning relationship with their parents. If my kid has heard it once, she has heard it 1000 times about how no one her age has that sort of relationship with either their mom or their dad. This makes me very proud and oddly sad for our youth. Parents do not seem to want to parent. Kids do not seem to want to be parented. While both should.

What's also interesting is that teenage girls embrace our relationship.

Teenage boys are threatened by it.

Now, I have not raised a son, only a daughter. So, I may not be an expert on raising a man...but mom's...please do. Raise a man. Raise men. Raise respectful, intelligent, caring, strong and sensitive men. The world is full of douches, we do not need to add any more to the mix.

My kid has quite a few male friends and she has had several 'love interests'. What amazes me is the lack of respect in this generation. What amazes me is the level of douchebaggery.

I've seen it. I've taken the blame for it. I've been the 'reason' for it. I've not allowed it. I've cock blocked it....yes....I have. Therefore , I feel the need to not address the boys in this post. They won't listen anyway. In this post, I feel the need to address the Moms.

Dear Moms.

I beg of you, please, teach your sons that it's not respectful to hang all over a teenage girl in front of her parents. It's not. In fact, it's not ok to hang all over a teenage girl when her parent's are not there!!

Many parents have loaded weapons. Many parents aren't afraid to shoot said son in the roaming hands.

It's not ok to make a teenage girl feel uncomfortable and, in turn, piss the parent of that teenage girl off.

It's not ok to get pissed off, pout, pull the guilt trip, or be a baby when the girl says no. No means no. NO. MEANS. NO. Stop means stop. Back off means back off. Take words of this nature at face value.

It's not ok to make a teenage girl feel inferior. All teenagers suffer from low self esteem, all of them. It is not ok to make anyone feel badly about themselves. Ever.

Dear Moms.

Teach your sons that it is not ok to bully, stronghold, manipulate, be aggressive or belittle a teenage girl. I will teach my teenage daughter that it is not ok to do or be those things either. Raise your son to be a man. A man who has manners, morals and values. A man who makes decisions based on right and wrong. A man who knows compassion and love. A man who is confident to show both. A man that knows understanding. A man that you, yourself, would be crazy about.

In turn, I will teach my daughter to respect your son and treat him the way he deserves to be treated. I will do my very best to teach her how to have a healthy relationship. I know she has respect for adults so I don't have to teach her that. I know she has manners, values, virtue and most importantly, morals. I know I have taught her to be a healthy, confident and happy human being. I know I have done my part to raise the best person I can. Please, please do the same for your sons.

Thank you.

This Dear Mom.

I realize that life is busy, and stressful, and hard, and full, and difficult, and jam packed, and really just complete and total madness, but you chose to have children. You chose to be a parent. So parent. Sadly, not enough people do anymore and it's very apparent in many teenagers. How do I know? I know these teenagers. I've seen these teenagers. I've been witness to these teenagers. I've worried for these teenagers. I've cried for these teenagers. I've hurt for these teenagers. I've hoped for these teenagers.

We, as parents, are raising humans. Our daughters, our sons. Humans. Individuals. We are raising the people that we wish we were. The people that will take charge of the future. Of our future. So, teach them, talk to them, care for them, nurture them, love them, listen to them and, most importantly, make time for them.

The world will be a much better place if you would.

Thank you.

*Peace.

IRL

2010-08-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously, I'm sitting in my apartment eating chips & dips because I'm tired of low carbing it. So, what goes along with being a fatty? Watching TV. A commercial for Match.com just came on blatantly telling me that 1 in 5 relationships start online. 1 in 5. I think about the people I know...and I know a lot of people. However, I only know one that has met their soul mate online and is now happily married.

*Yay, ShannonDoa!'

But, I can't see this being the way it's done. At least, not for me. I mean 1 in 5? Really? I am honestly in shock. Let me think about a few of the couples I know and the places they met......

*Gym.
*Work.
*Dog park.
*School.
*Online.

Oh. My. Gawd. Is it true? Let's be realistic for a moment regarding my shot at love based on the 1 in 5 rule. I hate the gym. I don't have a job. I don't have a dog. I've graduated. Welp, that leaves just one option.....really? Just one? I can't believe that. I won't believe that.

I don't think I need to join a dating website. I mean, have you seen those guys? I have. I've created a free profile just so I could see who was swimming in my dating pool. Needless to say, I told you I just ate. I need to stay out of the water for at least an hour, probably more. I'll lay on the beach and tan instead. Maybe nap a little. Build a sand castle. Read. Anything but swim.

I guess I'm old school regarding some things. I admittedly have trust issues and I just feel online dating allows people the opportunity to hide many things. I also am a gut feeling girl. I can't gut feel via the internetz. I simply prefer IRL interactions. Anyone can be anything online. *sigh* I guess I'll just throw on a wedding dress and go stand in front of the local hospital until my Dr. husband shows up. Shouldn't take too long....any second now....tick tock....

I received an email the other day from my friend, Jen. This is what she said: 'Still think you should replace Perez Hilton and become the master blogger. You are soooo much cuter and much more entertaining......and I think he's a douche!' Awww...thanks, Jen! xo Oh, and Perez, yea, sorry...but you are a total bitch. On a positive note though, you look SO much better.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

He went from 'ugh puke in my mouth' to just 'ugh'. Certainly an improvement.

I wonder how I can bring my blogs up to fame mode. That bitch Perez isn't gonna help me now. I don't have the money to promote myself. I just rely on my loyal Facebook readers to keep me ranting. I need a book or movie deal. I could totally rock out a 'Sex in the City' like mega hit. Fo' sho'. So, anyone with ideas on how to make that happen, let me know.

Did I tell you there is a spirit living in our apartment? Totes mcgoats. We became aware of this shortly after moving in. There are only a few things I am certain of. It's a woman. She's not scary. She likes to steal stuff or move things around. Currently, she has stolen a vegetable peeler, my Amersterdam shirt with the cute little windmill on it, Amanda's black tank top and a strainer. What is she trying to do anyone? Maybe she wants to look cute while making me a healthy snack.

I only see shadows but Amanda saw an actual female form. That's how we know it's a woman. I need to name her. A Victorian name, methinks. Our apartment was once a Nordic Market back in the 20's, so it's a definite possibility that it haunted. A lot of places in Seattle are haunted. I think it's cool. However, I do have sage sitting out ready to be lit in case she gets out of line. It's like a little warning. But, for now, she's allowed to wander. I just wish she'd give my shirt back.

In the meantime, here is my latest fabu web find: 1000 Awesome Things. Loves. It.

For those who get tired of reading, you can have a couch party with this:

Did I mention that my daughter loves David Hasselhoff? It's true. Please send money for counseling.

*Peace.

Misery Loves Company

2010-08-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some people are threatened by humor, success, delight and happiness if it's not their own? I'm amazed...and saddened by this concept. Misery loves company....and that surprises me. If I am miserable, I turn to my friends for comfort and joy. If I am miserable, I turn to myself for delectation. If I am miserable, I certainly don't project my poison into the lives of others.

Some do....and it's annoying as hell. It's not that I'm insensitive to another's plight. I am always the one people come to for advice, to vent, to cry and talk about their problems. As far back as I can remember I have been the listener, the counselor, the advice giver, the one who would never judge. I should have been a psychiatrist, come to think of it. A big part of me is made of up this being who wants to make everyone happy. If you are happy, then I am happy.

It's extremely difficult for me to deal with people who come at me using their misery as a weapon. As if the very thought of me living happily is offensive to them. I don't understand. Everyone has problems, everyone. I could write a litany of crap that I deal with on a day to day basis. What's different between them & I? Attitude. View. Perspective, philosophy, demeanor, frame of mind. Anyone can have these things. Those who are miserable are so because of their own doing. So, don't attack me, don't come looking for a fight, don't make me out to be the bad guy. Because I will fight back...that's also who I am.

I moved to Seattle to change my life. The miserable, dramatic, toxic, soul sucking vermin have no place here. YOU are not welcome. I do not want your company.

Ok, moving on. This is all of me I will let you have. This moment. Every night I go to sleep knowing that today I was the best possible being I could be. Can you say the same? I certainly hope so. If you can't....well....that is a sad story.

I am no longer a home owner. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is relieved. It was the final door left to close on my old existence. The short sale went amazingly well. Shocking, quite honestly. No hassles from the bank, no problems from the buyers, nothing. Shout out to CitiBank and Charter One for not being the douches that I hear Bank of America are being. The buyers are also nice people who love my yard. My favorite part of the home and I am confident that it will continue to be the gem of the community. Part of me is sad. My first house, Amanda's childhood home, our safe haven that held parties for my friends, holidays with my family, vacations with both. A lot of good memories were made in that home.

I couldn't have done it without my extremely capable, skilled, amazing AND handsome realtor & friend, Erik. Erik & his husband, Charles, came out to visit this weekend. My first visitors!! Yay! I had such a good time just being in their presence. To have such happy, positive, funny and fantastic men in my happy, positive, funny and fantastic home was amazing. My cup runneth over. I can't wait for them to come back and do it again.

OH! And congrats to California for finally, finally getting it that love is love. LOVE IS LOVE. PERIOD!!! It's unconstitutional to deny anyone the right to marriage. Nothing else matters...only love. Without it, you have nothing. Now, if only the rest of the planet could stop the hate. The world is a much more beautiful place without it....of that I have no doubt.

*Peace.

Breaking Point

2010-07-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

I don't reach my breaking point often.

I was a child that was faced with a lot of emotional stress. A lot of change. A lot of trauma. A lot of discord. I was happy in spite of it. Even then, I refused to let anything bad be the cause of my downfall.

I evolved into a woman that has mounds of hope. My hope is almost endless. I believe good things will happen. I believe in laughing in the face of strife. I believe in being as strong as you possibly can because only you have to power to let yourself down. I believe I am deserving and I believe I am capable. I believe I can do anything. My dreams are endless, my passion for life is bountiful and my determination is steadfast.

I fight and I fight hard..but you'll never know that.

Today is one of those days that I'm not winning the fight.

Today, I have reached my breaking point.

I am in that 'poor me' moment. I loathe those moments. I feel broken and defeated. My confidence has been tilted and my hope has been bruised. It's not in my nature to give up, however, I have certainly entertained the thought.

I feel so unaccomplished even though I know I'm not. I had the power and the plucky nerve to change my stars. I always have. Most recently...unabashed, I went headfirst in a Penske toward my dream and I changed everything. I should feel so proud and so wonderful! I should be puffed up like a peacock strutting my ass all over Seattle.

Some days...I do...

Not today. Today I'm more like an ostrich. For what seems like the 100th time, I received a rejection email. The crushing of my soul came in the form of a mass produced impersonal email. Gawd, really? This is why I don't date! I can only take so much rejection! Even if I'm the one doing the rejecting, I feel horrible. Is this what it takes? To feel completely awful and to have your self esteem kicked in the vagina? I don't know.

Do you fall hard before you're picked up? Do you exhaust every possible option before you give up? Do you keep plucking away and harden yourself to the results? I don't know that either.

Don't get me wrong. I love not working! I do! Who wouldn't love to have all the time in the world to do whatever they please? To answer to no one. To be responsible to only yourself. To have the world at your feet and the leisure to walk slowly.

I also love Seattle! The most amazing city and area that I have ever had the pleasure of living in. Granted, I've only lived in NY, FL, TX and NV so that really doesn't give me the right to partake in a grand comparison. But, I think Seattle is amazing and I can see myself being a lifer.

What I don't love is that the freedom of unemployment comes with some pretty tight restraints and difficult boundaries. The first being my disease. I fucking hate Diabetes today. I'm not a fan of it any day, really, but it's something I do. You brush your teeth every day. So do I, but I also check my blood sugar, count carbs, shoot up, don't exercise too much, eat, blah blah blah. It's just another life thing. Well, no job means no benefits. No benefits means no medicine. No medicine means death. This scares the shit out of me.

I do not show Diabetes my fear. I will not give it the satisfaction. I know it will be the death of me. I know my body will slowly destroy itself. Keyword...slowly. I have worked so diligently at getting myself to a spot where everything disease related is as perfect as it can get. Everything I do, every move I make, is so that I live as long as I can, in spite of the fact that I have a chronic disease. Without benefits, I falter, I fail, I risk losing everything I worked so hard to accomplish. A model Diabetic who my Dr. would brag about...may not be so model soon. Without benefits....how will I survive?

Many think spiders are my greatest fear but really it's a Diabetes. I just don't talk about it in terms of losing a limb or worse..my life.

No job means no money. My daughter turns 16 next month. I had told her that I would take her to NYC for her birthday. It literally breaks my heart and hurts so deeply inside my stomach that I can't breathe. It's crippling. I can't. I can't give her anything because I don't have anything to give. Here is where the tears turn into gut wrenching pain. I sob. I had a plan. NYC and a car. I had a plan and I don't like it when plans change. I don't like to be unable to do what I want, when I want, how I want.

I'm a spoiled only child, for fuck sake.

Not only does Amanda turn 16, she is starting a new school in September. No school clothes for her. That's wonderful. Especially considering her jeans are too tight and too short. Great. Wonderful. Makes me feel super accomplished as a mother. Yea.

What I do know is that I am a good person. I can do any job and I can do it well. I won a trip to Oahu for being a great freaking employee!! How can I not get a chance? How can I not even be considered for a job at Starbucks? I don't understand. I've walked into Starbucks and seen the baristas screw up my drink as I'm ordering. I've seen baristas passing out free drinks that they have messed up. I've seen snotty & rude baristas. I've seen dingbat baristas. I am none of those things. And, yes, people make mistakes but jaysus cripes, you won't even consider me for a part time barista position? Why? WHY?!

I don't know why because I'll never be able to ask.

So, I'm having a moment. I've reached my breaking point..which is not pretty, by the way. My daughter just woke up and saw my moment. Good, I guess, because she should know life isn't all sunshine & rainbows. Bad, I guess, because I'm all she has and I'm supposed to be strong and confident. I'm supposed to take care of her. How can I take care of her if I can't take care of myself? How am I supposed to do any when I'm slumped over my desk crying?

I need a hug.

And a rich husband.

And..most of all....a job.

*Peace.

Don't Judge Me

2010-07-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

I love people who say 'I don't judge people.' Yes, you do. Stop lying. We ALL do! I don't care who you are....you judge. Every single person on the planet judges people based on what their perception is. I do....and I swear to gawd, I will punch you in the gonads if you still deny that you don't.

I was walking on Market street the other day and saw an elderly lady all bundled up wearing what looked liked everything she owned. I turned to Amanda and said 'Awww...she's homeless.' We continued to the bank and on the jaunt back, I see the lady sitting at Tully's, sipping a latte, eating a pastry & playing cards with another bundled up person. Maybe they aren't homeless. Maybe they were. Who knows? I didn't stop to ask but I did judge. The same way I judged the dude that stops in front of my apartment to take pictures of the road or light a cigarette. He is blonde, has dreadlocks, a beard and a guitar slung on his back. Is he homeless? A street performer? A tortured artist? I don't know. He's probably an IT specialist making $200k a year. That's the thing....I don't know and I judge....for no apparent reason.

Everyone also judges people they know. Again...stop lying...I'll still punch you in the gonads. Don't tempt me. Ok, ok, I'll be the first to admit it. I judge people I know. 'Oooh, she must be loving the ice cream a little too much lately. Have you seen the size of her ass?' 'Ooooh, does she realize she looks like an old Jewish lady in that outfit?' 'Ooooooh, he is probably dating her because of those fake boobs. There's no way she has a brain.' 'Ooooooooh, I bet they're having marriage trouble. Look at them trying to escape one another.' Granted, none of it is said in a hurtful manner....more of a 'know it all' manner. haha!

This game is really fun in the mall or the airport. I like to make up stories about strangers. It entertains my mind. I don't know if it's being judgmental or if it's just placing people into the little categories you've set up for them because it makes you feel comfortable. What's bad about judging is when it's hurtful or it becomes based on rage. That's when racism, segregation, anger and hatred take form. However, that's a completely different blog. I don't hate people. Well, some people, but they totally deserve it! I'm also a big enough person to know when I've judged someone incorrectly. I did that to one of my dearest friends. I was wrong, so wrong, admitted it and love her the more for it.

Anyway, I'm not trying to lecture, I was just thinking about it one day. We all judge. I even judge myself. I haven't showered in 2 days, considered staying in bed all day and have been watching so much reality TV that I think my head might implode.That makes me a typical, lazy, unemployed fat ass living off the tax payers dollar. Yep. That's me. Actually, I'm wrong about myself, too. haha! I've worked harder while unemployed than I ever worked while employed. How sad is that?!

Alright, I'm done doing the blah de blah about judging. Leave me alone whilst I sit here and judge the crap out of you for a moment.

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Teehe! Ok, I'm finished.

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For now. ;p

ATTENTION PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS! All caps mean you are either YELLING!!!! at someone or STRONGLY EMPHASIZING!!!! a statement. ALL CAPS is not how one should type on a day to day basis. Unless you are married to a deaf person, work at a circus, are a carnie, OR are constantly surrounded by 100 out of control 5 year olds, you are NOT ALWAYS YELLING!!!! Whenever I log on to whatever social networking site of the moment and see someone writing their status in ALL CAPS, I want to punch them in the gonads. Seriously, dolls, knock it off.

Here...let me help....look down at your keyboard. Now look at the buttons, ok, not buttons...keys, ok, not keys..the little things you push with your fingers when YOU ARE YELLING! Look on the left....leefffftt. Ooooh! You've got it! See the one with the bright light shining? The only one with a light? It's probably green? Yes..that one..there you go. It says 'caps lock'...but not in ALL CAPS. Push it. That's right. There...you did it. Congratulations. Your annoyance factor went down slightly. SLIGHTLY!

Speaking of Facebook, if I would have gotten poked that much in college, I would have never gotten my Doctorate. Oh...wait.....

HEY! One more thing, I wonder if the Pillsbury Dough Boy gets poked on Facebook? That's rich!

*Peace.

Best Friend Breakup

2010-07-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Friendships rarely begin with the idea that they may end. Relationships, yes, definitely. Friendships, no, not so much. Case in point, I have had the same best friend for 30 years. Yes, we have fought. Yes, we have stopped speaking. Yes, we survived life's ups & downs loving each other all the way. I am a friend keeper. People think that I have a ton of BFF's but honestly, I only have a handful. I have friends, sure, but only a few get over the wall.

Unfortunately, throughout my life, one or two that had made it over the wall, had to be tossed back over.

Breaking up is hard to do and friendships are no exception. Women need friendships. We invest more in friendships. We thrive with healthy friendships. We need strong bonds to talk about feelings, bitch about issues, laugh over life. My best friends and I would call it 'Wine & Whine'. We'd get together with a bottle of wine...or two....and laugh or cry our way through what was in our hearts. At the end of the night, everything was alright.

Breaking up with boyfriends isn't easy but we tend to think that it was 'them' not 'us'. Breaking up with friends is worse because we tend to think it was us..'what did I do wrong?' Sometimes we never know the answer. No relationship is perfect and no relationship has a guarantee. So, why, when a friendship ends do we feel like we failed at one of the greatest things we are meant to succeed at? Then I remember the season poem..... Reason, Season, Lifetime ....and realize this is all part of living a full life.

Friendships usually fail for 3 basic reasons; misunderstanding, betrayal or neglect. There isn't one woman on the planet who cannot say a friendship hasn't ended due to one of those reasons. In fact, my most recent EBFF (ex bff) became so due to a misunderstanding. Well, it started as a misunderstanding and ended quite differently, with a lack of caring. *sigh* No need for details, just the fact that it has ended, is enough. However, now that it has ended, I see things that I either didn't see before or just overlooked because of love. Things that make me a better person not being surrounded by. However, because I like to live in my happy place, I will treasure the moments full of laughter and ignore the rest.

I was once accused of having 'high expectations' of my friends. While, my first instinct was to deny & argue that fact, I paused and thought....'Yes! Why shouldn't I? If I had low expectations of my friends, then why have them?' I do have high expectations of my friends. My friends are my family. Plain and simple. I think this is because I was adopted, come from an odd, broken family & while I love them, I've never quite belonged. I belong in my friendships. They are chosen, I am chosen and every flaw is loved. I expect honesty, love, support, guidance, laughter, caring and understanding. A soul refuge. I expect the same level of respect that I bestow onto them and I expect them to expect the same from me.

Trust is HUGE for me. So, when my trust is given (which isn't often), and it gets broken (which also isn't often), I find it very difficult to repair no matter how much I love that person. Many times it never gets repaired and the wall gets built. That's the way trust is with many people, I think. I forgive but I put the offender on sort of a 'probation'. If they continue to hurt, disappoint &/or behave badly, then I know it's time to break up.

I break up with people for the reasons I've listed above but also when they have become 'Energy Vampires'.

Energy Vampires are those friends who, after spending some time with them, you walk away feeling exhausted, emotionally drained and upset. Friends aren't supposed to make you feel badly about yourself. They also aren't supposed to be pretentious narcissists who thinks life revolves around them and only talk about themselves. You tend to leave wondering why you went, you avoid their phone calls and all you can do is bitch about the night you've just had. These toxic people suck the life right out of you. They bring you down to a level you shouldn't be in and most certainly don't belong in. If you want to be a selfish, uncaring bitch than be one by yourself and own it. Just don't be surprised when people don't want to hang out with you and try to avoid you.

Best friend breakups can prove to be some of the worst break ups of your life. Don't let it get you down. Mourn and move on. There are other friendships to be made and current friendships to be treasured. I've always known my core to be the most amazing group of individuals ever. I wouldn't have it any other way. So, to each of you - you know who you are - thank you for being amazing. Through good times, through the recent bad, you've made my life a much richer place to be and how lucky am I? I know things will change & new friendships will be made. Life has a way of doing that. But I will always be your friend and cherish you exactly as you are. Lurve.

If you are going through a best friend breakup, know that you are not alone. Check out this book....Best Friends Forever...to help you through this painful event. You will survive and, who knows, you may make better friendships.

Friendships are relationships of choice...so choose wisely.

*Peace.

New Yorker-Las Vegan-Seattleite.

2010-07-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I'm sitting at my kitchen table, sipping cawfee & watching the neighbors cheerful dawg bounce around the lawn, I sigh. And, in that moment, I realized that I am absolutely and irrevocably happy.

I mean, things could be better, in terms of necessities. For example, I could get hired to one of the 60+ jobs I've applied to and have fabu benefits. But, who has a perfect life? haha!

I'm a New Yorker. Always have been, always will be. Moving to Las Vegas was equally the worst and the best thing I could have ever done. Worst because for 18 long years, I have loathed Vegas. Seriously. Loathe. That's a long time to hate something and stick with it. Best because I had great jobs, great friends, purchased a home and gave birth to the most amazing person I've ever known. Had I stayed in New York, those things may not have happened. I cannot and never will wish I hadn't gone to Vegas. There are times when I start entertaining the thought that I should have stayed in NY and lived the life I envision in my head, but then I stop. My life is not about regret.

I have been a Seattleite for 3 weeks. That's it. 3 weeks. While it has only been a short time, I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I will never regret the decision to move here.

Why I Love Seattle

*It's green. Obviously. It's so beautiful that it takes my breathe away.
*People don't care what you drive, how much you make, what you do, how big your house is or who you know. All they care about is who you are.
*It's a city with a small town feel.
*Festivals, festivals everywhere! Almost every weekend there is something fabulous to do in one of the neighborhoods.

Ballard's Seafood Festival. This weekend, as a matter of fact. Yum!

*If there isn't a festival, there is the ocean, the forest, the farmers markets, the lakes, the hiking, the mountains, the shopping, the beach, the coffee, there is always something to do. Always.
*The Center of the Universe. Fremont. It's my PNW Woodstock with a troll!

Yet another quirky delight!

*People are pet lovers. I have met more dawgs than I have people.
*People walk everywhere. Or they ride their bikes. I love that I can walk 6 blocks to Market Street, buy a book, grab a cawfee & a cupcake and just be.
*Drawbridges & ferry's.
*Arts & culture. Theaters, outdoor plays, Bumbershoot, museums, an aquarium AND a zoo!
*Henry.

We see these murals everywhere. They are like a happy surprise. Much better than seeing graffiti. This one is in Ballard.

*Mariners or Seahawks.
*Unique stores & their fun names.
*Environmentally conscious. Want to get the Seattle stink eye? Don't recycle or show up in a Hummer.
*People are truly intelligent. They don't pretend to be & they don't use it as a weapon to make you feel inferior.
*Zombiecon.

*The houses are delightful.
*Flowers! I can walk outside my door & pick fresh daisies.
*Healthcare & schooling. Among the top in the nation.

In 3 weeks, I've noticed quite a lot but not everything. I honestly cannot wait to see what else the PNW has in store for me. Even if it's nothing, Washington is everything I had hoped it to be. Before moving here, I asked everyone I knew who had lived in or visited Seattle, what their opinion of it was. No one had anything negative to say. Being the cynical creature I am, I didn't believe them.

Now....I do.

*Peace.

Life is a Highway.

2010-06-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, here is the compilation video of our travels. Kind of rough, crappy & badly thrown together but give us a break. We just moved our lives so something had to suffer. haha!

We are missing a video because I can't get it from my crackberry to my Mac and we forgot about our videos once we hit Washington. This makes sense because we were both terribly excited. So! All that being said, go grab a beer & some popcorn. The feature film is about to start.

Hit the arrow.

Really?

Go!

Go!

Just push play!

Hey...shhhh! Quiet down in front...

*Peace.

Ain't No Sunshine.

2010-05-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

Welcome to Part 3 of ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’ Photo Blog.

VEGAS THINGS WE WILL MISS.

Note: This list will not include my friends. That is for another time.

Retro Bakery. (Note- Yes, Kari is our friend but, for this post, she is our baykah.)

Yoko Hama Sushi. ($25 all you can eat & my favorite roll, 'Something Special'.)

Cirque Du Soleil.

Hiking at Red Rock & Mt. Chaz.

The Butterfly Park.

Town Square.

Tule Springs.

Seeing random celebs.

24 hour access.

4 hours from Disneyland.

My back yard.

Spas, restaurants and quirky stores.

My JDRF Walk to Cure Team.

Swimming weather.

Madame Tussaud's.

Our hair stylist. (Note- Yes, Andeen is our friend but, for this post, she is our stylist.)

The nicknames & catch phrases. (Sin City, Lost Wages, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.)

The Bellagio Conservatory.

Nothing Bundt Cakes.

In & Out.

Knowing where everything is.

The hats at Dick's.

When the mocking birds attack.

The hammock & Finn.

I think that's it. Sad, but true.

And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away....

*Peace.

Under Pressure.

2010-05-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Pressure pushing down on me...

What a rough week this has been. This week consisted of my father coming to town, giving my cats away, a 'Crap Sale', my grandfather having a stroke, my mother leaving town, a 'Spring Fling' and getting screwed. Figuratively not literally...more's the pity.

Seriously. I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

Pressure on people - people on streets....

Welcome to Part 2 of ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’ Photo Blog.

CRAP SALE & SPRING FLING.

The amount of people that came to shop shocked me. The amount of money these people wanted to spend shocked me more. Cheap bastards.

I'm not a good Crap Sale person. I almost feel violated even though I did drag all that crap out there for pilfering. Yes...I had thieves. Psh! Really? You're going to steal a $1 Hollister shirt? Really?

Amanda's past for .25¢ each. Wow....that hurt.

Elisa stopped by to sell her crap and thank gawd. She was my sanity and caffeine injector. Thanks, E!

Thanks to my dad, too, for helping me drag all that crap out of my garage, for building display shelves & for making up the difference. It was a day that totally pushed me over the edge. I can't even begin to explain because this would be a long ass blog of bitching and complaining.

But, let me bullet point:

*18 years of my life tossed into cars for pennies on the dollar.
*A shitload of my crap being hauled away for $40 as opposed to $100. (So much for gas money.)
*Shit being taken and not getting any money for it.
*Selling thousands of dollars worth of crap and walking away with only $300. (I should be grateful but that's not even enough to get me to Seattle.)
*Fighting with my dad over a hammock & a guy in a blue shirt.
*Mom crying over her father having a stroke. She cries all the time now.
*My sugar dropping & me drowning in cigarette smoke. (Fucking quit already!!!)
*My moving boxes being taken or sold.
*Getting attacked by a feral cat...then having to watch Finn leave.....

These are the days it never rains but it pours.....

I was crying when I had to let Finn go. I didn't cry over Bella. My mother & I probably have rabies after she went feral and bit the crap out of us. I am ok but mom had to go to the ER. Stupid Bella. No, I won't miss her at all. I never liked her. But...I already miss Finn...a lot. :(

At 1pm, I was done with the Crap Sale. Just OVER it. So I drug what was left over to where the garbage pick up is. I made a sign that said 'Free' and that was that. Yep...I was even giving my dad away. Haha!

Along came a woman and a little girl. They were trying to find cheap stuff for the girl's mom because she just moved here and didn't have anything. It sounded all too familiar....new town, no job, no home and a daughter. Of course, I shoved everything into her car.

Then I asked the girl if she wanted my 'I ❤ NY' tee. A huge smile took over her face & she shook her head yes! This small moment, that could have gone unnoticed, made my day. At one of my lowest points, I helped someone in need and caused joy. It felt incredible. I hope that if I am ever in need of help and joy, someone will offer it to me. I also hope that karma was watching. ;)

The 'Spring Fling' should have been named the 'Winter Fling'. It was fuh-reezing! I am so grateful and lucky to have such fabu friends. They braved the cold, wind & rain to eat burgers, chips & cupcakes with me. It took me a very long time to find my Vegas Core and now that I have, I have no intention of letting them go. No matter how far I wander.

Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out!!'...

Tami was cold and hungry. She's not even homeless!!

Andeen's family even stopped on the way to buy sweatshirts! Now that's lurve.

My friends who brought their little kids. Awwww...I know those poor tots were frozen.

Amanda's friends. A typical teenage lot...but better.

A lady warmth huddle. It was definitely time to leave.

When the rain started to threaten, we moved the party over to Shesh's house and continued the fun. Thanks, Shesh, for allowing us to crash your house. Thanks to poor Flo, too, who was upstairs with the stomach flu, having to endure laughing and Rock Band. Lurve.

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking....

Even with all the stress, tears, yelling, hard work, cold and wind, I'm kinda sad the week has ended. That's one less week I have in Vegas. I think I am at the juncture where fear has turned into sadness. Sadness at all this beauty I am leaving behind. And I'm not talking landscape!

So, here I sit....cats gone, mom gone, dad gone, no task on hand....and there is only quiet.

This is our last dance, this is ourselves.....under pressure.

*Peace.

Bust a Move.

2010-05-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

This here's a tale for all the fellas....

Actually, this here's a photo blog for everyone. I have to thank Laura for suggesting a photo blog of my moving adventure. The past 3 weeks of having my life rug pulled out from under me has screwed with my creativity. Actually, it's screwed with everything, BUT, that's another story for another time.

So, come on, fatso and just bust a move....

Welcome to Part 1 of ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’ Photo Blog.

PACK RAT.

You're on a mission and you're wishin'....

The boxes. Oy.....the boxes. Dumpster diving for boxes is a fun family event.

My high school tassel. Awww. See? I did graduate.

Slides of my modeling days. Skinny with big hair. Hello, 80's.

My BFF collage featuring Heidi Sue. Found this stash in an envelope with Heid's address on it.

My BFF booklet. What lies beneath this cover is classic & wonderful. But...I have to protect the innocent so it's for my eyes only.

I found 2 jerseys! Rondout & Kingston. I don't remember how I snagged the Kingston one but I'm sure it was legen.....wait for it......dary.

I apparently wanted to be Madonna. Why? Because I'm like a virgin.....and, I could strike a pose. Vogue!

I found a raincoat!! I did! Where this came from & why I have it, I have NO clue. But I'll need it where I'm going. (PS - super hawt & sweaty in there. Blah.)

Balloons full of farts? 25 cents? I'll take 4, please.

Gifts I forgot to open. Thanks, whoevergavemethesepresents, and a Merry Christmas to you, too!

The unrequited love. Stupid Paco Pepe. Nuff said.

Awww...when love was sweet and innocent....and lame.

There's my panda slippers!! I wondered what happened to them! I walked all over the San Diego Wild Animal Park in those. Now I'm walking them over to the trash can.

The key to Just Blue! Ooops! Sorry, dealership, forgot about the spare. Hmmm...I wonder if I could find Just Blue...and a Corona....and go for a joy ride. Hey! It's not really stealing if you have a key.

I give love a bad name.

Amanda found random stuff, too! She looks like an Anime character...or like Jem. She's truly outrageous.

A Ribbon Streamer Skip It and I snorted! :D

I can't believe the crap one finds while packing. It's weird to see what I thought was important to bring from NY to Vegas. My Bon Jovi leather jacket & tassel but not the guy who proposed & that I've loved forever. Huh.

Really? Yes. Really.

Packing for me, was complete, random, insane fun...occasionally. Some days, not so fun. Packing sucks. I'm not gonna lie. But, as much as it sucks, it's also liberating. You find things that were once your prized possessions, give them their due and then toss out the past.

Or, you can yard sale like I'm about to do. Drag all the shit you just purged and toss it on your front lawn. Then spend an entire day while strangers pick through your crap. Crap that cost you hundreds but you are willing to sell for dollars. Good stuff.

Now you know what to do, G, bust a move.....

*Peace.

Fatty, Fatty, 2x4.

2010-05-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

Last night, Amanda & I were watching Grey's Anatomy. One of the patients was as big as a house, had tons...no pun intended...of medical issues & had a skinny, pretty wife. Two things about this particular story line struck me. One was that Yang called him a 'Fatty, fatty, 2x4'. Amanda & I both started laughing. I used to call Amanda that all the time. It's been shortened & now we just use 'fatty' but it was great to hear the original being used by an unlikely source.

The second the thing that struck me was when the skinny, pretty wife was talking about how her husband became a fatty. The story was that he was laid off (hi) 2 years ago, couldn't find a job (hello), became super depressed (hey there) and he took comfort in eating. (hiya) OMGawd!! I have been in sweats for 2 weeks. I have more than likely gained back the 10 pounds back I lost for the wedding. I have been looking & applying for several jobs daily and hearing nothing.

I'm thinking about all of this when I realize that I am shoving chips & dip into my piehole and not even realizing that I'm eating. I wasn't even tasting it. Seriously. Look at this picture! I'm such a fatty that I dropped a chip on the floor! I didn't see it until I came back from washing the dip bowl! Oy...I don't wanna be a Fatty McFatterson.

I have a question. Everyone poops, right? Everyone. We all know this. But have you ever gotten poop chills? Or poop shivers? No? Neither have I.

Speaking of...here is a super weird yet wildly entertaining video. Consider this a commercial break.

Now that I am unemployed, I have become completely unmotivated & uninspired. It's crazy. I keep telling everyone that I feel lost. I have been working since I was 13. It feels weird not going to work. Believe me, I hated my job but it was part of my process. Now, my process is all jacked up. Staying home actually makes me feel exhausted. Either life has truly kicked my ass & I am exhausted or I have become incredibly lazy. It's not like I don't have things to do either! I have to pack!!

Ugh. Packing. First, I think I'm a hoarder. Seriously. I think someone should call that show & have them come over. I have only packed part of my garage, my office closet & the little closet above the fridge. I filled a 96 gallon container and a 32 gallon container. Holy trash! I swear I am finding the most random array of crap that I never knew I had stashed away! For instance, today I found 2 sailor hats, my Mirage Resorts personnel file and a fish tank. My friend, Laura, suggested I do a photo blog of all the crazy crap I find and I think I might. Stayed tuned.

In the meantime, please repeat after me: HOARDER

Also, my cats must know I'm on my way to being a hoarding, fatty, fatty, 2x4 because they have been behaving strangely. My cats aren't lovable cats. They pretty much do their own thing & occasionally let you touch them. Recently they have been all over me. I was crying the other day, yea..pathetic..I know...shush. Finn kept coming up to me & rubbing my legs, jumping on my lap and meowing. Finn rarely meows. It's this hoarse, light mew, weird. Then Bella, a psychopath who never lets anyone come near her, has been all over me, too. Every time I'm on the computer job hunting, she comes up and taps me on the leg with her paw. Like 'Hey! It's ok!' It's so crazy! She's been meowing a lot, too.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on like a crazy cat lady but they definitely know something is wrong with me. I guess they are trying to comfort me..and that's cute. I may keep them after all.

*Peace.

All About E.

2010-04-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

420

2010-04-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

I know for a FACT that the people who worked the night shift at the AM/PM in Rosendale knew I was stoned. I mean, who wasn’t stoned in the late 80’s, early 90’s? Oh…wait…you mean everyone wasn’t stoned? Wow….that would explain a lot.

My friends (who shall remain nameless) and I would religiously stop at the AM/PM, try to remain in control while pushing our paranoia down, and then lose it completely the moment we walked in the door. If that wasn’t a telltale sign, our droopy, half closed, blood shot eyes should have been. The final sign that we were high was the fact that we always bought a random array of crap. Doritos, Coke, Funny Bones, Starburst, a lighter, Hostess Donuts – chocolate, 3 Musketeers, a slice of pizza, Pop Rocks, Marlboro Light 100’s, Swedish Fish and gum. Oh, and this fuzzy pencil, please. Come on!

We’d then spend the next 20 minutes in the parking lot, Guns & Roses blaring, shoving all our munchies into our mouths at once and laughing the entire time.

Every moment of being stoned was fun. I’m not gonna lie. Everything was a good time. Everything caused raucous laughter. Everything tasted awesome. Everything was an adventure. Everything was the greatest idea. I know these stories are probably only funny to me but I don’t care. Those were probably some of the greatest times of my life.

Like when we were climbing out of the boat onto the dock and the dock collapsed. Or the time where we were sitting in the car, in the middle of the dark woods, listening to crazy scary stories and someone knocked on the car window. Or when we were chowing down at McDonalds, decided to smoke and caught the tray on fire. Or the time we went to 4 drive thrus one after the other. KFC for a biscuit, McDonalds for fries, Burger King for a burger and Dunkin Donuts for a donut.

The last makes total sense. Mickey D’s has the best fries, BK has the best burger. We were stoned but we knew what made sense and what tasted great!

Those were the days, my friend. I haven’t been stoned in…20 years. I wonder what would happen if I smoked a joint right now. I’d either piss myself from laughing hysterically or I’d fall asleep. Hmmm…who wants to get high and see what happens? Oh, wait, nevermind. I'm trying to find a new job and with a new job comes drug testing. Sigh.

I have no doubt that Amanda will try getting stoned at some point in her life. No doubt. I come from a long line of pot smokers so it’s pretty much hereditary. It doesn’t necessarily scare me that she will try. I have lived life. I know how it goes. She’ll try smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, having sex, kissing a girl. These are all things that happen to most of us growing up. Experimenting. It’s what we do to become who we are.

What does scare me is thinking back to the insane amount of shit I did while ‘experimenting’. I am lucky to be alive and I say that in all honesty. I didn’t really have any parental guidance and was free to go as I pleased. Always alone, always taking care of myself. At least, if nothing else, Amanda has more than that. Much more. She won’t be a wild child like I was. But, I know she’s still going to try. The best thing I can do is continue to be open & honest in our relationship. Tell her the dangers and tell her the fun. I won’t ever be a hypocrite. Ever.

I can’t imagine Amanda doing half the dangerous, stupid, irresponsible things that I did though. I truly hope she doesn’t. I hope that when she tries these things, she will be someplace safe. I hope that she will be with people she trusts and loves. That is the one thing I did have. Still have. Will always have. I was with my true friends and even though we were behaving very poorly, I knew that any of these people would have my back. Even if they tripped, fell and giggled the entire time they were trying to reach my back.

Marijuana is the most commonly used drug in the US. It’s illegal. Yes, kids, you’re breaking the law while getting high. Sorry to burst your bubble. It might be legal soon though, if you have cancer or some other awful medical problem. Being stoned at that point would be a blessing, I say.

Long term marijuana use can lead to addiction. It can also lead to experimentation & addiction to more hard core drugs, like cocaine & heroine. Smoking weed is smoking. Your lungs are being abused…notice the hacking & coughing when inhaling? Yea…can you say carcinogens?

In 2001 the percentage of 12th graders who smoked weed was 43%. 10th graders? 40%, Wanna try 8th graders? 20% . That’s right, people. We are doobie smokers. 300 million worldwide, 28 million in the US. From Holland’s coffee shops to Oakland’s Cannabis College. How do we become doobie smokers? Our peers. Those friends of your son or daughter. Yay! How’s that for a reality slap? Better be prepared, parents.

Better be prepared. Oh, and make sure your stash is hidden well. Not like my grandfather who hid his in my maxi pad box. Umm....ok? Stoned when you stashed, Pops? teehee

*Peace.

What's All The Hullabaloo?

2010-04-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

Amanda thinks she belongs in the 1920’s. I’m not sure if it’s because of the fashion, the music or that the role women played began changing. Perhaps it’s because of the Prohibition. Maybe she dumps Mommy’s giggle water down the sink when I’m not looking. Who knows?

The other day she was telling me about the slang used in the 20’s. Her choice example was ‘Struggle Buggy’. Hmm…ok….I had to ask what it meant. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t around in the 20’s. She told me that it’s the back seat of a car. Ahem. Wonderful. I’m so glad that my 1920’s child chose that lost word to incorporate back into conversation. I mean, she couldn’t have picked ‘Moxie’? Or the ‘Cat’s Meow’? ‘Swanky’ even? Aye yi yi.

Well, of course, I started thinking about lost words and phrases. Because, let’s be honest, isn’t it much cooler to say struggle buggy than back seat? Yea, you know it is. There are some really cool yet obscure words that are now obsolete. Like…betwixt. How can you not smile saying betwixt? Another is methinks. I use this one a lot, again, because it makes me smile. Haberdashery is fun. Nary, whilst, hooligans and comeuppance are all fun ones that I use on occasion. I wonder what makes a word go extinct, especially fun ones. I should find a list and reintroduce a select few back into society. That's it. That’s my new goal starting today.

This week the word is: Hullabaloo. It’s a noun meaning uproar, disturbance, loud and clamorous noise. Check Jane at 2:07.

There will be tons of hullabaloo in my life over the next few weeks. This weekend is my last chance to finish up wedding and prom shopping. Next weekend is the wedding, the weekend after is Disneyland and the weekend after that is prom. Yawn. I’m already exhausted.

Yes, yes, we are going to Disneyland again. I can hear the collective groan now. ‘You guys are ALWAYS at Disney!’ Hey, that’s what you do when you have an Annual Pass and live 4 hours away. Disney is our break. Our mini vacay. Our escape from Vegas. We have specific rules. Once we hit state line, there is no complaining, no talking about work, no negativity, no bitching, nothing bad…only happy. I wish this rule could apply to every day life but I just can’t seem to make it work. So, we step outside of our lives of work, school and every day drama. It’s feels wonderful and it’s probably the most fun I’ve ever had.

That’s why it’s sad that this may be our last trip. Our Annual Passes expire on May 22nd. I won’t be renewing them again this year simply because I am holding true to my plan (Seattle). Once my plan (Seattle) goes into effect, I won’t be able to drive 4 hours to Disney. When my plan (Seattle) comes to fruition, I’ll have a plethora of adventures at my fingertips. The moment my plan (Seattle) becomes a reality, I will be happy and won’t have to seek it out constantly. It would be a waste of money for me to buy 2 Annual Passes and only be able to use them once before my plan (Seattle) takes off.

See what I’m doing here? teehee

I’m letting Amanda bring her friend, Breanna, for this final trip. That should make it super fun for her. She’s stressed, too, and I know this. Poor kid busts her arse for school and she works at Retro every Saturday. So, do the math. She really only has Sunday to relax and she never does. She’s too busy doing homework. I have to say, that is one part of being a kid that I do not miss. Psh.

*Peace.

Not Laid.....Off.

2010-04-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

I should be happy. Shouldn’t I? For over a month I have known that my position was going to be eliminated. Today, I found it was. However, the end result was in no way, shape or form what I had envisioned.

Things I knew for certain were that I was doomed. Like I said, I knew my position was on the chopping block. That I would be given the option of working until June or leaving immediately with pay & benefits until June. Der. I was leaving immediately. Who would stay? That’s just retarded. I also knew that I would be handed a pink slip anywhere between the 7th and 15th.

So, I made plans. I’m a planner. It’s what I do. I went to visit Seattle, my destination of choice. I applied to several jobs in the area. I started packing my desk and putting my computer files on disk. I researched schools, storage, homes, and neighborhoods. I knew what I was going to do with my house. I knew that I had 2 months to pack, make travel arrangements, buy health insurance, get a job and say my goodbyes. I let everyone know that I had a plan but I was just waiting for confirmation. Even my ex-husband knew the plan and was ok with my moving our daughter out of state. I had all of my ducks in a row, sans a couple of ducks. A couple of rogue ducks.

My only concerns were having health insurance and getting rid of my house in this market. I was still trying to wrap my brain around messing up my credit for a short sale or foreclosure. But those concerns weren’t enough to dull the idea that I was finally, FINALLY getting out of Las Vegas! I was headed to greener pastures, literally! I was nervous and scared but I was ready to partake in ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’. I knew that I was going to struggle a bit but I also knew that I would be ok. In fact, even better.

Today was doomsday for 204 employees and only 15 were reassigned. I got the call at about 10:55a. I was calm and ready to go. I walked in to where my Supervisor and an HR rep sat. I shook hands, sat down and said with a grin ‘I was waiting for you.’ I was told my position was being eliminated. I apologized for not being more emotional but that I had known and was ok with the decision. I was then told that I was being reassigned to another department. Whoa. I heard brakes screeching, it was then that I started shaking and my heartbeat increased. I said ‘Excuse me?’ I was then walked through the steps for reassignment based on their management rights.

15 out of 204. I wish I were that lucky at Megabucks. I walked away in shock knowing that someone would be out of a job because of me. That I had a plan and maybe she didn’t. I immediately had survivor guilt. I watched my plan slip into the background, my dream fade slightly, my vision paused. I should be happy because my salary remains the same. My title, benefits, vacation and retirement , stay the same. Only my duties, co-workers and boss would be different. Those were all wonderful things. How dare I be ambivalent when the lives of 204 employees have just been rocked? Hard. By no fault of their own.

So, here I sit riddled with guilt, regret, relief, gratefulness, sadness and joy. I keep trying to tell myself that the Universe just isn’t ready for me to go down that path yet. Yet. That maybe that path will beckon when the market is better, when I have a job to go to, when all of my ducks are in a row. Every single one of them.

In the meantime, I’ll just be hopeful that this new position will be a better fit for me. Maybe I won’t loathe coming to work every morning or try to think of reasons to call in sick every time my alarm goes off. That everything will be ok, that the people will be human and that I will learn new things. I have to think of this as an opportunity not as another rock in my path.

This, perhaps, is the prelude to ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’ and that's just ducky.

*Peace.

'K & A's Big Adventure'

2010-04-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my last post on Naturally Sweet and realized that I spend most of my life waiting for something. Waiting to see a doctor, for cawfee, waiting at traffic lights, for apologies, waiting on a friend, for the weekend, for other people, for my next vacation, for a flight, for 6pm, waiting for dinner to be ready, waiting for Mr. Right....oh, wait...I married Mr. Right and it was a colossal disaster. Umm...waiting for Mr. Maybe?

We must spend years of our lives simply waiting. What's even more sad than that is how much time we spend working. With all the waiting and working, I'm surprised anyone is living. Hmmm...something to ponder, ey?

Check out this chart on the use of time in an average work day. Pretty interesting. For more statistics, check out BLS.

So, I usually entertain myself while waiting. The entertainment usually varies between my blueberry, the internet, people watching...anything really because my mind is so very random. For example, Amanda & I were waiting in the airport. I was people watching because my phone was dying. I realized that I make up names for people. Complete strangers. I thought I only made up nicknames for people I know but nope. I do it for strangers, too. Sometimes they are very clever, like 'Kryptonite' or 'The Lollipop Guild'. Sometimes they are not, like 'Neck Beard' or 'Fatty'.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who does this. I Give Strangers Nicknames That is awesomely funny! I may have to join! Amanda, on the other hand, was making up songs. All of the sudden she burst out in song about the suitcases crashing into each other on the carousel. It was so hysterical that both of us just burst out laughing at the baggage claim. I wish I could remember the words to her little ditty because I'd post it and laugh all over again.

Seattle was fantastic, what we saw of it. My cousin told me that we should have stayed longer and she was right. It was beautiful, cool, exciting. I just wish I had more time to explore. I am SO ready to get out of Las Vegas, though. I always have been. But I am also scared, nervous and stressed to leave. I guess that's normal since the most stressful life events are moving, losing your job and divorce. I'm ranking 2 out of 3. Wooo! Did you know the fear of moving actually has a name! It's called Tropophobia. Huh. Well, I don't know that my fear ranks a proper name. I'm just worried. Moving is scary. Not actually moving...der!...but relocating. The unfamiliar, the new, packing, unpacking, finding a place to live, friends, schools, Amanda. Sigh. I know it's stressful for her, too. We have been trying to look at everything as an adventure. I mean, like Helen Keller said 'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.'

Henceforth, this topic shall be called 'K & A's Big Adventure'. We're just like Pee Wee, but better because we don't masturbate in theaters. :D

'K & A's Big Adventure' is just beginning but has actually been taking root for quite some time. I had always planned on leaving Las Vegas as soon as Amanda graduated high school. Amanda has always planned on leaving for college. That's still the plan unless life dictates otherwise. The City has declared it will lay off 203 positions by June 18th. My position is on the list. If I happen to squeeze by unnoticed this round, another lay off round will directly follow where I probably won't be so lucky.

Is it luck, though, really? I am not happy where I am. I do not feel safe or valued where I am. My potential and skills are certainly not being utilized. They never were. I don't know that I want to work in a organization that would choose to lay off people who have children, diseases, homes, & bills rather than taking alternative steps to help with their budget problem. Notice I say 'their' problem. I did not put them into debt. I just accepted a job offer. I firmly believe that they could have charged a portion for benefits, put mandatory furloughs on the board, stopped buying lunches, stopped attending conferences, cut their salary. Gasp! Cut their salary?!?! Heaven forbid.

But, I don't want this to turn into an embittered post about the selfishness and inhumanity of some people. No. Let's go back to 'Is it luck, though, really?' It may be luck that I do get laid off. The Universe may see something that I do not. Like, my wish of leaving granted. A new, fresh, exciting start on life. Beautiful and amazing things on the horizon. Doing something and being somewhere I love. I think we get so stuck in a rut doing the same things day after day after day that we forget how to truly live. I don't want to forget.

Oh, by the way, this goes out to the guy who sat next to me at the airport nomming on a chicken salad plate. You shall forever be known as 'Nose Breather'.

*Peace.

The I's Have It

2010-03-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wish my life had sound effects and epic theme music. I find myself making my own sound effects constantly. If I’m typing…I write my sound effects like *gag* *der* *meh*. I think the world needs more fun sound effects.

My epic theme music typically only plays in my head because I can't sing. But it’s still amazing. *tadah*

I also wish I could make up & use my own words without sounding illiterate or ignorant. Un-words like…fabulosity, fabu, douchebaggery, lurve, shitacious, shiz, craptacular, adorkable. I like to say them because they make me giggle and feel clever. *teehee*

I just Googled 'shitacious' for an image and my blog logo was the first one to show. Excellent! *bam!*

I always say ‘mmmmm’ before I say ‘bye’. Why is that? I just noticed it today while at work. My phone answering thing sort of goes like this:

‘Thank you for calling the **protectingtheinnocent** office, this is Kelly.’
‘Hi, Kelly. Blah de blah blah de blah blah blah blah.’
‘Blah de blah is in a meeting at the moment but I’d be more than happy to leave a message.’
‘Excellent. Thanks. I’m Blah and my number is blah.’
‘Ok, I will leave him the message.’
‘Thank you, Kelly. Bye.’
‘Mmmmmbye.’

What the hell? Why can’t I just say ‘Bye’? I wonder if this has anything to do with my sound effects. *hmmmm*

I sometimes wonder if people change or if the way I see them changes. If it’s people, why couldn’t the change be good one? If it’s me, why did it take me so long to see the crappy? Eh, welp, life goes on. Luckily for me, whenever I clear my life of the toxic, only the wonderful remain. As for me…and Ghandi….I will be the change I want to see in the world….and not a douche. *psh*

I just got an email from Southwest Air saying ‘Kelly, your trip is around the corner.’ I am SO excited about my Washington trip. I can’t even put into words how excited I am! I’m literally bursting with joy. I love leaving Las Vegas. I especially love it when I’m going somewhere fabu. *yay!*

On the agenda: Washington. Pink Slip. Disneyland. It’s what’s for dinner. *yum*

*Peace.

Proms, RSVP’s & Handsome Men

2010-03-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

This has been one helluva week. My daughter was asked to the Prom while she was at work on Saturday. Her little boyfriend made a 'Will you go to the prom with me?' sign & brought her flowers. It was very cute….and very disturbing. There comes a point in a parent’s life when they scream ‘Bloody fecking hell!!!!’ at the top of their lungs. This was my time.

A time of scary teenage flashbacks and random statistics.

I won't even get into the scary flashbacks. Let's just say, lack of parenting and zero boundaries resulted in a wild blonde maniac. Moving on to statistics.

*46% of girls and 67% of boys say they will most likely have sex on prom night. Ugh.
*63% will drink and 22% will get ‘smashed’. Great.
*50% of all accidents on prom night are due to drunk driving. Wonderful.
*90% of all crime related incidents are due to drug and alcohol consumption. Oy.
*98% of all teens make bad choices. Haha! I made that one up.

Amanda is a Sophomore, her boyfriend is a Junior. Amanda is not allowed to date. Amanda has a curfew. One hour above her grade which means her curfew is 11pm. I don’t care what ‘the other kids’ are doing. I don’t care how they are being parented. Most parents give more of a crap about themselves then they do about raising their children well. I am not one of those parents.

After some serious deliberation, verbal warfare with myself, internal hellfire & a family meeting, I decided to let her go….with ground rules. I extended her curfew by an hour. I want the names & numbers of the entire group. I want the agenda. I will wait up for her. She knows the guidelines. She knows her boundaries. She also knows what to do when faced with any challenges regarding sex, drugs, alcohol and driving. I have always said I am the parent who won’t get mad if she needs a ride home from a party. I would rather her be alive than scared that I would yell at her.

Sound strict? I am. I am raising a teenage daughter that is responsible, full of self esteem and self respect while overflowing with goals, hopes and dreams. She has limits that she, herself, has set. Amanda is a fantastic kid and she is not a sheep. Of these things, I am so very proud. I know, 110%, that I am not raising a little shit. Anyway. Every mom has to learn to cut the umbilical cord and allow their children to live a life separate from their own. Snip.....here she goes. Wish her luck.

Has ‘Répondez s'il vous plaît’ become a lost art? RSVP for you non-French speaking readers. Has etiquette taken a back seat to inconsideration? Are good manners no longer being taught or practiced? Has friendly and respectful behavior been forgotten? I would like to think not but I am unsure.

RSVP is the basic form of manners. All that is necessary, when you receive an invitation that requires a RSVP, is to respond. Typically via a stamped enclosed card already addressed, an email or a phone call. Websites like Evite that electronically send out invitations simply need a click. It’s not rocket science. It’s not difficult. You won’t break a sweat. Minimal effort is required. So…why do so many people ignore this simple act of respect?

People ask for RSVP’s not to be annoying and pushy. They simply need to know how many people they will have to provide for. Perhaps they would like to know the correct amount of food, drink, &/or supplies to purchase and provide. Or maybe even there is a per person charge depending on the event. Whatever the case may be, you have been honored in being invited. You have been notified that your presence would be wonderful. Show your respect and appreciation by responding.

I’m not sure if people are too lazy, too busy, or too careless. Maybe they are sitting there expecting something better to come along. Or maybe they feel like if they say yes, they can’t change their mind. Who knows? Who cares? The reasoning behind the lack of etiquette doesn’t matter.

Another faux pas is to RSVP and not show. In this case, a phone call would be nice to let your host know that you can’t make it. Leaving your host expecting you is as rude as not responding at all. Things happen and situations occur. The host would surely understand and appreciate you for being so considerate.

I sound like I’m lecturing and I probably am. Or, perhaps, I am just trying to teach you what your momma never did. Manners. Hmph. RSVPing is appreciated….at least by me. I believe that some traditions still apply, especially RSVP and the Thank You note. Make note of that.

Now…watch this video and understand why I love Jimmy Kimmel.

*Peace.

Oscars, Copycats & Blue Gum

2010-03-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.’

No, no, it’s not. That’s bullshit. Does anyone truly & honestly feel that this statement rings true?

I am certainly not flattered when someone copies something I wear, do or say. Especially the say part. My mind, my creativity and my thoughts are mine. My wording, my phrasing and my delivery are mine. Mine. Not yours. As a writer, I get very offended, in a plagiaristic type manner, when someone mimics what I say or write. If you're going to steal, at least give me credit, for cripes sake.

Sometimes imitation is an insult. The only cute form of imitation was when my daughter was 5. She put on my heels, grabbed my purse, furrowed her brow and was sheer perfection. That was adorable. Anything else is not. It makes me wonder…if I am supposed to be flattered by being copied….what does this say about the copier? Umm…that you are an unoriginal clone? Henceforth, you shall be known as Xerox.

I would like to take this moment to thank all the colored gum chewers of the world. Thank you for choosing color because when you spit it on the ground like a truck driver, at least I can see it. I can then avoid stepping into it with my sassy heels and having my day ruined. Colored gum chewers rock!

Did you ever have one of those awkward moments with someone who has no sense of humor? How do those people survive? I really have no idea. Humorless bastards. I was in the bathroom with a co-worker. She was washing her hands & I was peeing. Ok? Peeing! Don't talk to me! She's all blah de blah and I'm responding awkwardly. Then she says 'I just want to kill people today.' I reply 'I've got some people you can add to your list.' :::crickets::: I wipe and wonder if she is still there because I didn't hear the door. She finally says 'Oh.' and emits a sad little obligatory laugh. Are you kidding? That was funny!! Stop talking to me while I'm in the stall. Jaysus.

Of course, I watched the Oscars on Sunday, at least until ‘The Amazing Race’ came on. I’m not missing Phil.

Of course, I have a few fashion comments & questions to make & ask, as well as a few snark.

Take one, scene one, ACTION!

*Why do young women try to look older while old women try to look younger, Miley Cyrus?
*Molly…dear, sweet, innocent, Molly. Enough with the botox, needles & plastic. Enough.
*We all know J-Blo has a huge ass. Is it necessary for her to ALWAYS show it?
*Sandra Bullock is amazing. She rocked the vintage glam like no other. I puffy heart her.
*Did anyone see the flowers that were trying to eat Charlize Theron’s boobs? If not, here you go.

*How bored was Clooney’s broad? Really? You’re at the Oscars! In a fabu dress! With George Clooney!! Smile! Bitch.
*SJP, oh, SJP. What the hell happened to your hair? Even Chanel couldn’t fix you. Next time try Andeen. She’d have done you right.
*Cameron looked amazing in that dress. I wish she would stay out of the sun though. She looked gold and old.
*Mariah should dress like the plus sized woman she is and stop fooling herself.
*Did Kathy Ireland star in I, Robot? Weird body language, lady, weird and creepy.

*I loved Robert Downey Jr’s mega tie. But, I love Robert Downey Jr, so who cares what he’s wearing.
*Could they have hired a more awkward interviewer? That George guy was ridick.
*Gaborey, Gaboure, Gabby, what’s her name is like a breathe of fresh air in Hollywood. I wish I knew her name.
*Gerard Butler & Bradley Cooper? Together? They can present to me anytime. Double delish yum!
*Queen Latifah is gorgeous. Who said skinny was hot? Not me.
*Rachel McAdams, another gorgeous woman. Except she’s skinny. She didn't look happy either. But she's still hot.
*The memorial montage was a little lacking. Farrah & Bea were in the graves saying ‘What the hell just happened? Did we get dissed?’

~I know I'm not the Oscars & I don't have a mic or video but here is my tibute. Thanks, Bea, for being so saucy in every roll I've seen you in. When I grow up, I want to be Maude and Dorothy combined. Plus, GG had a kick ass theme song. Thanks, Farrah, for being the Angel I always got to be when playing CA with my friends. Even though my name is Kelly. You were the beautiful one. I'm glad you burnt that bed. Bastard deserved it. I'm also glad you brought domestic violence to light and provided help to those who were being abused. For that alone, you rock.

Lastly, John Hughes. Every child of the 80’s new and loved his films. I still quote them & watch them religiously. His movies made us who we are, helped us through tough times, let us know everything we were experiencing was ok and that we weren’t total outer limits. Even children today, who are not products of the 80’s, adore his movies. I got teary eyed watching the tribute. I’m not gonna lie. In a time when no one understands you, those wretched, wonderful teenage years, John Hughes understood each & everyone one of us. Elisa made me start laughing again when she said ‘The Brat Pack looks more like the Rat Pack now.’ Haha! That's FUNNY! Bathroom girl wouldn't have gotten it though. Sigh.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all." ~Andrew, The Breakfast Club

*Peace.

The Wardrobe.

2010-03-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have gained so much weight that I can no longer fit into any of my jeans. How sad is that?! I’m a fatty! But, I still look better running around in leggings and sweats than most people look on any given day. Sadly, that is a true story. For example, a day here in Vegas looks a lot like the People of Walmart website. You would think that Vegas wouldn’t be high on the offending fashion faux pas list, but….oh, man…you would be incorrect, my friends.

First stop….local high schools. Teenage boys aren’t known to be fashion forward in the first place but do they really need to be fashion behind? No one, I repeat, no one wants to see your crack or your boxers, son. That dude who sang ‘Pants on the Ground’ really knew what he was talking about. If the boys aren’t sagging, they are wearing skinny jeans as if they are in a band. Sigh.

Next stop….the mall. Sweetie, this is not circa 1983, you are not 16 and you are not in a glam hair band. This is more about makeup than wardrobe but the two should really go together. Put the blue eye shadow and matchy blue shirt away. Buy yourself a color wheel and start over. Stop over plucking those brows. Rub your foundation in because you should all be one color. Your face should never be brown and your neck white. Blend, blend, blend. Don’t even get me started on lip liner. Do you have a mirror at home? Do you know that the 80’s are over? Do you know you look like an ass?

Last stop…the Strip. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! At least long enough for us to get tons of laughter at your expense. Just being in Vegas does not mean you should squeeze your size 12 ass into a size 6 jean. You should know better. I do not need to see camel toe or muffin top at every turn. Nor do I want to see your vag peeking out from under your so called skirt. I have a vag. I can go home & look at my own. Thank you very much. Also, leave the spandex, feathers and glitter in the trash store for all the prostitutes. The Chicken Ranch ho’s thank you.

Fashion faux pas are not elusive mystical things that no one is aware of or no one has seen. I’m not saying you need to follow the beat of everyone’s drum but you should at least hear the music. You know what you like, you should know what suits you and you should know what you look good in. Again, every home has a mirror. Look in it on occasion and actually SEE.
o_O

My humble advice is to keep things simple. Too much jewelry makes you look cheap. Too much makeup makes you look tacky. Just ask Tammy Faye Baker. Too tight clothing makes you look heavier. Too many sequins, sparkles and crap makes you look like a glimmering disaster. Not dressing your age just makes you look sad. Cheap self tanner makes you look like an orange. Wearing clothing that doesn’t fit or is the wrong size makes you look like you are waiting for a flood or confused. Having your hair color resemble something that has sat out in the rain for 40 days and 40 nights is a bad thing. Having a hair color that has stripped your hair of all its luster and beauty is also a bad thing. If you are dead set on sporting alien like platinum blond, or any other color that is not your own, make sure your eyebrows match and your roots are taken care of. The drapes do not necessarily need to match the carpet..unless you’re wearing a skirt that shows your vag.

Sigh. Come on!! This is not rocket science!

The better you look, the better you feel. I dress how I feel. If I am sick, I’m in black, shuffling around in flats, hair in a pony. I don’t care. I don’t feel well. If I’m feeling sassy, I throw on my heels & stick a flower in my hair. I’m not saying to be a robot in terms of dressing. Just use your common sense. People notice the way you look and so should you.

Oh, and ladies, if your friends feel the need to call Clinton Kelly and report you, please don’t be offended. They are seriously just trying to save you from yourself. Avoiding fashion mistakes doesn’t mean spending thousands at the latest & greatest store. I buy clothes at Target & Walmart that are affordable and adorable. It’s the way you present your fashion finds that matters.

Know yourself. Know your body. Know what looks good. Know what doesn't. If you don't or can't, ask someone. I'm sure they'd love to help rather than walk around with a hawt mess fashion disaster.

*Peace.

The Bitch.

2010-03-03T16:48:00.001-08:00

Every woman is a bitch. Stop lying, you know it’s true. Bitch.

Because I am strong, won’t back down, am solid in my beliefs, won’t jump on anyone’s band wagon simply to be cool or accepted, am ok with being alone, stick up for my loved ones and speak my mind….I am called a bitch. Really? Huh. Well, I’m ok with that. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hate me if you want.

Bitch can mean many things and it definitely has negative connotations but I also think it’s a positive thing. Let’s see….a female dog is a bitch. You can be a heartless bitch, you can bitch slap, you can be your man’s bitch, you can be a son of a bitch, life’s a bitch, you can have a bitch fight, you can be a skinny bitch…seriously, the list is never ending. There are too many bitches to list....you know who you are. Haha! (Thanks, Elisa, my office bitch.)

So, let’s go to Google to find the definition of Bitch, shall we?

Ahem.

Wiki-wiki-wikitionary has several definitions:

1. Female dog.
2. A female who is malicious, spiteful, unbearable, intrusive, or obnoxious.
3. A man with any of these qualities, especially a gay man (suggesting his behavior is womanly) or a man who is dishonorable, cowardly, spineless, whiny, or otherwise behaves in a manner unbecoming a man.
4. A friend.
5. Angry retort directed at a close buddy.
6. A person who is made to adopt a submissive role in a relationship.
7. A complaint.
8. A difficult or confounding problem.
9. A queen, particularly in the card game of spades or hearts.

Wow. I love the word confounding. Anyway, how awesome is it that one word has such a wide range of meanings?

It even has acronyms!!

1. Babe In Total Control of Herself.
2. Beautiful Intelligent Talented Creative Honest
3. Beautiful Individual That Causes Hardons

Teehee! Bitch has cartoons, phrases, songs, magazines, WINE! (Thanks, Tami, my wine bitch.) No one can argue that it’s impressive to be a bitch. Probably one of the more impressive words out there..and so versatile! Ok…so back to being a bitch.

Now, it takes effort to be a real bitch. It takes Chutzpah. That was for my Jewish bitches. First and most importantly, you need to NOT care what other people think. However, there is a delicate balance. You don’t want to slip from being a bitch to being a cruel bitch. Or maybe you do. If you want to be cruel then more power to you. But be prepared to get your ass kicked one day by a bigger, badder bitch.

I am not a cruel or heartless bitch. I never intentionally hurt others. I am not cold hearted. I don’t expect to be regaled like a queen. I don’t treat people like shit. I know many of these women and I can’t stand them, much less the poor sapless men they are hitched to. But, alas, some men seem to enjoy a nasty bitch. I wonder why that is?

Sheesh…I am certainly getting side tracked on my whole bitchcapade.

I like to think of myself as a bitch with style, a bitch with class. Maybe I’m wrong but maybe I’m right. I am almost 42 and see no signs of changing who I am. I speak my mind, I speak it well, I don’t put up with shit and I’m raising a woman who will hopefully be the same way.

As little girls we were taught that we were made of ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’. This is true. Sugar. AND SPICE! Spice! We always forget the spice! Damn it! Save sugar for those PMS days. Save everything nice for you. It’s the spice that needs to appear when the situation calls for it, whether it’s at home, work, or just life, in general. Women do not need to be doormats. Ever. As adult women, why don’t we change the singsong nursery rhyme to something more fitting our bitchiness? I prefer ‘sugar and spice, if you want to mess with me you better think twice.’

I think every woman should seek out the bitch in themselves….just not the wicked bitch. I am a bitch, people, and that’s not a bad thing.

*Peace.

The Lying.

2010-03-02T10:58:00.001-08:00

I've decided to pay homage to my blog title, The Lying, The Bitch & The Wardrobe. I now present, to you, part 1 of my series.

The Lying.

I am not a good liar. I’m not. My high school Social Studies teacher, Mr. Gillis, pulled me out in the hallway one day and said ‘Your face is an open book. You can’t hide anything and everyone knows the mood you are in the moment they see you.’ Oy. He was right. From that point on, I said screw it. I wasn’t even going to bother. I would just be brutally honest and everyone could sod off.

Plus the fact that I could never remember what the hell my lies were about. Yikes…awkward.

I do lie, though. ‘Oh, that eye shadow looks lovely.’ ‘No, those pants do not make you look fat.’ ‘Your hair is nice.’ ‘I love you.’ Hahaha! NO! No, I never lie about my feelings. Ever. I only spout the little white lies that are told in order to spare feelings and prevent dramatics or tear flowage.

The truth is, everyone lies. White or otherwise. Daily. In fact, the average person lies 3 times during a ten minute conversation. Whoa....makes you wonder about all those 10 minute plus convos. So much for morals or credibility, huh? Haha!

There is a quote that states ‘A lie is not in the words, or lack of words; it’s in the intention of the deceiver.’ That says it all. The intention of the deceiver.

For example, I am a person who thinks omission is a form of lying. If you can’t tell me something, deal with my reaction and you choose to omit information instead, then you...are a liar. Your silence is an attempt at deceiving me into believing something different. Your omission is a form of withholding the truth or misleading me, or altering the outcome of a situation. Simply put, if your intentional silence manipulates the truth, then it is a lie by the clear definition of the word. Thanks, Mr. Webster. And screw you, liar, because your intent was not noble.

If you are trying to decieve me and I feel betrayed, I harshly judge your character and your opinion of me. It's true.

During my drive to work, ‘Fake It’ by Seether, came blaring through my ipod. As I half assed listened while phasing out the drive, I caught the following lyrics: ‘Lies won’t hide your flaws.’ Huh. Seether is right. You are still flawed. Moreso after being a liar, liar, pants on fire.

That’s what some people don’t understand. That lying makes it worse. It also makes baby Jesus cry, so remember that.

When I catch someone lying, I find that I am more pissed at the lie then I am at the subject of their lie. Like, if Amanda says ‘I did clean my room.’ and I walk into her room only to find teenage clothes and shit everywhere. Obviously she didn’t clean her room! But, I no longer care about that. I care that she didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. I care that she lied. Now she will be in more trouble than she would have been had she said ‘You know what, Mom? I didn’t clean my room. Sorry.’

There are classic signs that every person shows when lying. Some people are better at lying than others, but if you pay attention, you will see these signs.

*No eye contact being made. People make eye contact when conversing. Maybe not constantly, but we look at the person we are talking to. If not, a web of lies is likely being created.

*The body language starts to vary. The person begins fidgeting, tapping their foot, or touching their face. It's almost as if they are nervous. Yea..nervous of getting busted!

*There could be a change in their voice or a lot of throat clearing. Kinda like Peter Brady when he was singing ‘Time to Change’ or kinda like the lie is choking them to death.

*The old subject change. Yea, that’s always fun and not noticeable at all.

*Speaking quickly. Hey, we aren't at an auction, are we?

*Humor. You’ve all heard the adage ‘many a truth are said in jest.’ Well, many a lie, too. Because they can always fall back on the old ‘I was joking!’ when they get caught!

*It sounds ridiculous. Duh. If a web of lies sounds outlandish, then guess what, it probably is! Now about that time the aliens abducted me....

Well, we all lie. Don’t we? The number of sex partners, our resume, how you are, calling in sick, your weight, your age. I think if you say you don’t ever lie, then it's quite possible, that you are living a lie. Just saying.

If you are lying for the greater good, then ok. However, I honestly want to know if I look like a hawt fat mess before I walk out the door. Thank you very much. If you are lying for humor's sake, then ok. 'My penis is so big I can pole vault with it.' Fine, fine. I know you are lying and I'm ok with that because I'm giggling. If you are lying to make yourself feel more empowered, successful, adventurous or popular, whatever. I could care less if you rode the mechanical bull for 40 minutes, won $1,000, met the man of your dreams who had to fly off to Italy and that's why you're at this bar alone. It doesn't affect me so I don't care. I won't think you are a liar, just full of shit.

But, if your lies are going to hurt a person, if the motivation is destructive, and the result is shattered trust, then I would suggest rethinking your words, intent or actions. Words hurt more than weapons and are typically never forgotten. That 'stick and stones' rhyme was a lie.

Speaking of, I have ‘The Invention of Lying’ on my Netflix and I’m looking forward to watching it. That is not a lie.

*Peace.

Funyuns Aren't Fun..Or Are They?

2010-02-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I’m talking to a hawt guy, I immediately turn into a 13 year old boy? I make innuendos, think anything relatively sexual is funny and become a total perv. Oh, gawd. No wonder I’m single.

Who really eats Funyuns? I asked Elisa if she has ever eaten them. She said yes & it wasn’t fun. She obviously didn't do this with them.

How is it possible that my 15 year old daughter fits into a dress I wore to my friends wedding 5 years ago? I can’t fit my thigh into that damn dress! Where in gawds name did all of my fatness come from? Certainly not from Funyuns...that's for sure.

Speaking of being a fatty....does anyone else get tired of eating? I feel like I eat the same things day after day after day after day. I am bored senseless. As a diabetic, I was taught to eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. That's a lot of eating..yawn. Chewing is exhausting at times.

Has anyone seen the movie ‘Sliding Doors’? I often think about this movie and the what if’s. What if I had taken the other path? What if I didn’t leave NY? I hate what ifs. Good movie though. I recommend it if you, too, have ever thought 'What if'.

Who came up with the idea that a bird pooping on you is good luck? The other day I thought a bird pooped in Elisa’s hair. It was only shampoo but I think it would have been way funnier had it been poop. And luckier..as it were.

How can you not love the internet? I love when I’m telling a story that sounds questionable and then I find proof on the internet. I was telling Elisa that I lived down the road from Willem Dafoes Rubber House. As I’m telling her, I realized how absolutely ridiculous it sounded. Unbelieveable, really. Until I visited Google and there it was…in all it’s neoprene glory. I didn’t realize that everyone called it the rubber house. Hey, give me a break! I was in 9th grade at the time. I thought I was the only clever person on the planet.

Guess what folks!! Just because I'm not random enough today.....it’s now time for the Friendship Blog Love!

Dear M,

Köszönöm for putting the hat on and letting me take a picture. That was the first time we met and it was one of the most memorable beginnings I’ve ever had. Köszönöm for throwing me my very first birthday party ever. Köszönöm for sharing while wearing a sombrero. Köszönöm for letting me talk to BK when you were pregnant. I loved that you loved me enough to allow that. Köszönöm for confiding in me and letting me confide in you. Whether by the blueberry bush or on the sinking couch, we pinky swear & know it’s safe. Köszönöm for the Spice Girls. Köszönöm for the mantra and always telling me I’m a good mom. That’s the one thing I need to hear more than anything else & you always say it. Köszönöm for letting me talk smack & knowing there's still love there. Köszönöm for letting me cry without thinking I’m weak. Köszönöm for Disneyland & bringing the Cinderella Costco Cold Cuts to the pre-party potluck. Haha! Köszönöm for letting me meet your mom. She’s wonderful. Just like you. Köszönöm for our fights & our makeups. We are so funny and dramatic sometimes but that’s what makes our friendship stronger. Köszönöm for being there for Amanda & sitting through her school functions! Köszönöm for being you, exactly as you are. Lastly, köszönöm for being my heart friend. Lurve lurve.

*Peace.

Opinionation

2010-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

For those who don’t already know, I’ll admit it again; I am a reality show geek. Total uber geek. Super addict. I realize how ridiculous it is and yet I continue to fill my Season Pass with reality shows. I either need counseling...or more Tivos.

That being said, it’s now time for me to welcome you to my 'Opinionation'!

::::applause::::

Last night I watched the latest episode of The Bachelor. First of all, I think the bachelor is gay. I think he needs to wipe his tears, put a shirt on and walk out of the closet. I also think he is super unattractive. Sorry women who like girly blonde men, that's my opinion. I can't help but wonder why no one has questioned the ‘Fantasy Suite’ stage of that show? The bachelor has the opportunity to stay as a couple with 3 different women, on 3 different nights. Does he have sex with each of these women? Do the women not know he has just gotten busy with another contestant in the Fantasy Suite down the hall? Ewww….

Also, and this makes me laugh, at the rose ceremony, I love how he says ‘I’m in love with all three of you.’ Umm…’scuse me? If I were contestant #2, and the bach said that, I’d let him keep his rose. Psh! I'd pick up the hem of my JC Penney prom dress and walk out. Will the poor ‘winner’ go through the rest of her life wondering if he still loves the others? Like would be a better word choice here, Jakey. Like. Better yet, just stop speaking. You truly make it seem like I’m watching ‘The Bachelorette’.

The Amazing Race had its 1st episode on Sunday. I love that show. I wish I could race around the country, miss all the sights and win a million dollars. Sigh. Seriously, though, I love this show. I really can’t tell what they were trying to do with the cast this year. There was an odd mixture of pseudo celebs & regular Joe’s. Jeff & Jordan from Big Brother are racing. Jordan already won BB. Doesn't she have enough money in her trailer? Anyway, I’m not sure she is bright enough to finish. They needed to fly to Chile and she told the ticket agent China. Der. She's going to get lost.

‘Such As’ is on with her boyfriend. Anyone remember ‘Such As’?

Oy. Hopefully they don’t send her to The Iraq.

There are a few other psuedos like the professional bull riders and the Phillies coach. Then you have a handful of normal people like the lesbians and the gay brothers. Love it. My favorite part of that show is Phil…and the Travelocity gnome.

Another one of my favs is Survivor. This is the 20th season. Wow. I can’t believe I’ve been watching this show for that long. Holy crap. Anyway, this season is Heroes vs. Villains. My fav hippie love bug, Rupert, is back. So is Eye Candy Colby and Gravedigger James. Then the douches are back. Zen dragon freak Coach, scary hairy Jerri, and buy a tooth Russell.

The best part of the 1st episode was during a challenge when this chick pulled off Sugars bikini top. Sugar, gotta love her, ran back to the finish line and double flipped the chick off in all her topless glory. Sigh. I’m so glad that show is back on. If I weren’t a Diabetic, I would totally sign up. If you are interested, they are having a casting call right now. Are you a Survivor? Damn. That would be fantastic!

Last, because I’m only going to talk about 4 shows, is Project Runway. I still want to be best friends with Heidi Klum. A. Because we are both German and B. because she is hysterical! I love her. Hey, Heid, call me. :)

My favorite designer is Anthony and not because of his clothing. He is just this fabu little Southern gay man who I love from bottom to top. He makes me laugh. I cannot stand the dinosaur Mila. She is younger than me yet looks like she could have birthed me.

As far as designs, I don’t really have a favorite. I find myself leaning mostly towards Seth Aaron. My second leaning is to dinosaur Mila’s doppelganger. I don’t know her name.

While I am a reality show addict, there are shows that I refuse REFUSE to watch. For example, Toddlers & Tiaras. Oh. My. Gawd. Any parent that spray tans, glitters & teeth whitens their 5 year old child needs to be put in an institution. Stop living through your child, fatty! Also, I will not watch Jersey Shore. I grew up around orange, gold wearing, dumb, drunken whores. Why would I want to watch them on TV?

Anyway. Yes, folks, this is how I spend my free time. With Tivo and my reality shows. Maybe someday I’ll have a life.

*Peace.

SASS!

2010-02-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name is Kelly and I have a shrinking attention span. ::hello, Kelly::: The length of my dwindling attention span is based on the topic at hand. On average, I would guess that you have about 5 minutes of my awareness before I phase out and mentally move on to something else. Of course the span increases along with my interest. If you are blah de blahing about something funny, well, then, you have me for a little while. If you are blah de blahing about…yawn…work. Then know that I will phase out after about 2.5 seconds.

It reminds me of that Drew Carey joke. ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s call EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.’

I think with the wealth of information and entertainment, how could my attention span remain intact? It obviously cannot and I shall now call it SASS. Short Attention Span, Sista! Son, if I’m giving 2.5 seconds to a man. Ahem. Moving on.

I need a new fashion obsession. The most recent were socks. Argyle, stripes, crazy, super fun, knee high socks. I bought Amanda & I more socks than one should ever have in the desert. I still lurve them but need something new. Since I have become such a fatty, I’m thinking maybe I need to make leggings my new obsession. But, that obsession doesn’t come alone. I would need to add super long tops to go with that one. No one needs to see Guam in leggings. Oy.

I have been buying a lot of accessories. Necklaces, rings, hair clips. I’ve been focused on bows & flowers. Those are fun but I need a statement. I already did socks, hats, scarfs. Now that everyone is wearing them, I stopped. So, I’m taking suggestions. Please fill out a suggestion card and turn it in at the next SASS meeting. Moving on.

Amanda. ANTM.

My daughter will be 15.5 this month. 15.5 means she can get her Instruction Permit. 15.5 means she can legally drive on the streets of Las Vegas. She has been driving illegally a few times before but, shhh, don’t tell anyone. What I have noticed about this stage in life is that I am not a good teacher. The moment she gets behind the wheel, I get really hot. I get stressed. I get upset. I know I should be patient and calm. I know this, but, shouldn’t she know how to exercise common sense? Ugh.

What sucks is that only a parent is allowed in the car with a teen driver. No one else. I can’t even hire someone to teach her. Can I? I don’t know. I need some zen like advice in order to get through this stage. I think this stage will be the worst one yet. Worse than graduation, college, sex. ::yes, in that order:: This instills such a fear in me because people in Vegas cannot drive. Sorry, Vegans. You can’t. You suck. Teens can’t drive either. Sorry, Teens. You can’t. You suck, too.

I am pretty confident that I’m not the only one who thinks teaching a teen to drive is a nightmare. The anxiety & stress I feel, she feels, too. More so. I realize that this is an important right of passage for all teens, I do. This begins the transition into adulthood. This allots a certain bit of unknown freedom. This great power comes with great responsibility. This is a time that I believe should not start until 18. Aye. Yi. Yi. Moving on.

The car Amanda wants.

The car Amanda will get.

*Peace.

Fuck It. I Made a Bucket.

2010-02-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

It's no surprise that I've been in a funk for a few months. In an attempt to drive myself toward the road to recovery, I decided to make a Bucket List. Now, I have always had a list. I have just never shared it. I also haven't updated it in a while. So, I drug out the old 'to-do' list, dusted it off & began to resurrect it. It actually made me very happy that I could cross some things off & insert new ones.

I will try & update this as often as I can. I am not making any promises. The only promise made here is to me.

Kelly's Bucket.

1. Write and publish a book...or two.
2. Eat crepes in Paris.
3. Zip line thru a rain forest canopy in South America.
4. Go on an African safari and see the Big 5.
5. Spend a night with the Maasai.
6. Zorb in New Zealand.

7. White water raft down the Colorado.
8. Drink beer at Oktoberfest.
9. Explore Machu Picchu.
10. Eat sushi in Tokyo.
✓ 11. Move to Washington State.
12. Buy a kayak.
13. Take an impromptu drive up PCH.
14. Visit Monet’s garden in Normandy, France.

15. Fall madly in love.
16. Get married.
17. Get a degree in Journalism.
18. Own my own book store.
19. Meander through Central Park without hurry.
20. Ride a camel to the pyramids of Giza.
21. Hang out with the animals on Galapagos Island.

22. Trek through the Amazon rainforest.
23. Swim in Jellyfish Lake
24. Have a job because of love not because of money.
25. Ride the Napa Valley Wine Train with friends
26. Ride a cable car in San Fran & hang off the side.
27. Learn not to say yes when I really want to say no.
28. Learn to let go.
29. Find my passion.
✓ 30. Spend an entire day reading, nothing else.

31. Spend Christmas in Australia.
32. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.
33. Grow a magnificent garden.
34. Participate in a house exchange with someone from Europe.
35. Go to Holland and pick tulips.
36. Ride a horse on the beach.
37. Learn to play my didgeridoo.
38. Throw a boomerang.
39. Do a Roar & Snore at the San Diego Zoo.

40. Ride a gondola in Venice before it sinks.
41. Parasail.
42. Swim at a Hawaiian waterfall.
43. Get acupuncture.
44. Take a cooking class.
45. Go on a honeymoon.
46. Go to Fiji & drink kava with the Maori.

47. Go sailing.
48. Meet Steven Tyler & Johnny Depp. Separately.
49. Learn to play a musical instrument.
50. Remember the important things in life.

Yes, I aim big and think large. But, like my good old friend, Dr. Suess, said:

“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

*Peace.

Updated - June 5, 2010: Getting laid off allowed me to accomplish 2 things on my Bucket List. I spent an entire day reading and it was wonderful. I am on my way to live in Washington State. 2 down! 48 to go!

It's Time For.......

2010-01-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

Jesus Look-a-likes with Kelly!

:::applause:::

You know it’s going to be a weird day when you wake up thinking about Jesus look-a-likes. I think the reason this thought permeated my brain was due to an internet ad I saw last night. I was researching homes & jobs in Seattle when this appeared on the sidebar.

It's Jesus! Look...it's Jesus!!

I have to tell you, whoever created this ad is borderline genius. After all, I am still thinking and writing about it. Now whenever I consider going back to school or when I'm broke, I’ll think of Jesus.

Here are a few Jesus look-a-likes that I want to show you. For no other reason than absolute ridiculousness.

John Lennon – Imagine Jesus

Joaquin Phoenix – Hairlip Jesus

Chris Robinson – Hard to Handle Jesus

Charles Manson – Creepy Jesus

Brad Pitt – Jolie Jesus

Kid Rock – Pabst Jesus

My Dad – Papa Jesus

Honorable Mention – JesuZZ Top

Yea, yea. For those of you who have a sense of humor - FUNNY!! Right? Oh, and I’ll see you in hell. For those of you who don't - pray for me. I obviously need it. Then again, Jesus probably thinks I'm hysterical.

Oh, and I feel like we must give props to his father. After all what IF God was one of us?
What if....

Homeless Jesus.

*Peace.

Head vs Heart

2010-01-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

I typically write based on humor. Whether it’s some ridiculous something that I have seen or some crazy crap that has crossed my mind, I write it because I love to laugh. Plus, it's easier to laugh than to cry. I rarely open the window for anyone to see what is inside my soul. That’s usually private & I don't like to share.

However, today, I am something different. Today, I am Kelly Wright. War Correspondent.

In the battle of ‘head versus heart’, who usually wins?

We all know what I am talking about. We all have all been there. If not once, than many times. Don’t lie. You know you have. The head is saying ‘Absolutely not!’ but the heart is saying ‘Oh, please, please, yes.’ We all at some point or another have tortured ourselves. I totally torture myself. I wage a war based on self preservation and burning desire. A war of feelings against logic. Self against ego. Reason against emotion. Want against need.

I have been told that I am an island. I have been told that I have walls. I guess what I’m waiting for is someone to grab a gawd damn boat and row. Or, grab a mother effing rope and climb. This takes work, sure. I realize that. It takes someone who truly cares. It takes someone who has the notion that the trip will be well worth it. And it is, bitches. Psh! It is. Now obviously this just requires too much effort for some. Most people are too lazy and those are the ones who aren’t worth it. Those people are no longer privy to my life. Au revoir! I save all that I am for those who choose to row..and climb.

Now, I am a logical person. I like things to make sense. I like to do what’s right. I am just and moral and fair. I like to have all the facts before making a decision. I like to think things through, see the whole picture and visualize the results, good or bad.

My analytical mind. A mind that knows right from wrong. A mind that knows what it will accept and deny. A mind that needs proof, action and promise. A mind that won’t always be fooled.

I am also a dreamer. I believe in love. I continue to hope for the lid to my pot. I have been waiting a lifetime for the man who ‘I just know’ is the one. I believe he's out there learning what to contrast me against and I'm just waiting. I have no doubt of my happily ever after. Crazy, isn’t it? Ugh.

My accursed heart. A heart that loves forever. A loyal and honest heart. A heart that wants to love and be loved in return. A heart that would forsake almost everything for great love.

It’s so overwhelming and consuming. I don’t like when my heart gets involved. Letting my heart get involved is opening myself up to chaos. At times, this is a beautiful thing. At other times, a scary thing. When my heart throws down the gauntlet to my head, I get scared. When both attack, the crescendo is too much to handle. I feel like my head will explode, my heart hurts, tears threaten to fall and I am paralyzed. Or....I run…like the wind.

I am a sensitivity that is private. But, don’t ever let that fool you into thinking I am made of stone. I am clearly not. I am probably one of the most sensitive people you will run across. I have had a lifetime of let downs, broken hearts and crushed dreams. Most of the time I mourn those silently because that is how I carry on. I do break down occasionally but only in front of those I trust explicitly. Even to them it's hard to let myself break down. I work so hard at being strong all the time because I have to. I have had to my entire life. So, when I show my weakness, when I stumble and fall, it’s shocking. It’s intense. It’s jaw dropping. It’s painful and it’s sad.

There is a quote that says ‘The heart is forever making the head its fool.’ I forget who said it but I’m pretty sure it was some French guy. They always have lots to say about love. But, this quote is fantastic, because it’s true. My heart is trying very hard to make my head the fool and my stubborn head is fighting back with a vengeance.

I don’t know who will win.

I don’t know if I am writing this for you…or for me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense.

What I do know is that if I stumble and fall, I will pick myself up. I will dust off my jeans and carry on, as usual. Maybe, next time, listening to my heart, thinking clearly and following my gut before leaping.

Maybe the most fair, loving and selfless thing you could do...is to let me go. Simply because you aren't rowing.....and its hurting me. I know it's not on purpose and I know it's hurting you, too.
I just can't do this anymore.

In the battle between head vs heart, who usually wins...if anyone?

*Peace.